Attitude Is Everything

By John Stallings

In the spiritual life, attitude is everything.
We need to learn to be rigorously honest in discerning our heart attitudes. Certainly we know a critical, fault- finding heart is not healthy for us, spiritually or physically.

Attitudes are -inner feelings that wiggle to the surface and express themselves in actions.

Attitude will ultimately manifest outwardly in words, body language, and a myriad of other ways.

Arms crossed tightly across chest, facial expressions, eye rolls, throat clearing, patting the foot impatiently are just a few subtle indicators of attitude. Oh, and the eyes. Let’s not forget the eyes. Breathes there a person who can’t remember “the look” their mother used to give them when they were children when she was displeased? When we men get married we find that our spouses can give us that same look. I’ve often suspected that somewhere they’re holding classes for women called “The Look 101.” Every married man has seen that look and it sends cold chills down the spine, though to be frank, we men know in our hearts when we get that look we probably richly deserve it.

Speaking of body language, many times I’ve sat on church platforms and seen couples sitting in the congregation with their legs crossed, -their body pointed away from their spouse. Often this is indicative of maybe a little “lovers quarrel” on the way to church. Attitudes [inner feelings] will always bubble up and manifest in some overt way.

A resentful, critical attitude is just like a toxic waste. If we’re going to try and handle such volatile material, then we better take every precaution. Such hazardous material is known to cause cancer. Everyone needs a regular thorough detox from bad attitudes if we’re to stay ahead of the problem, and it’s crucial that we be very thorough in our dealing with attitudes such as anger, resentment, cynicism and criticalness.

Many of us are hardest on the people who’re closest to us. Husbands are hard on their wives. Wives mercilessly criticize their husbands. Parents tear down their children and strip away every vestige of self-esteem. Friends attack friends, Christians criticize each other, and many families are held together by the glue of mutual disdain. Why is it that we are so hard on those we say we love the most? But if a person we don’t know offends us, we’re quick to let him off the hook. It makes no sense.

Christian love is not blind. God never says, “Ignore the faults of others.” But he does say, “Take care of your own faults first.” Look in the mirror! Ask God to show you your own sins. The familiar words of Psalm 139:23-24 come to mind:

“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!”

If we would pray that way and mean it, we would do a lot more confessing and a lot less judging.

The order in which we do things is crucial. We are to judge ourselves first by asking God to show us our sins. We sit and wait and pray for the Holy Spirit to show us our weaknesses, our faults, our mistakes, our bad attitudes, our foolish words, our pride, our arrogance, our need to be in control, our need to run the world, our need to tell others what to do, our desire to have our own way, our anger, our bitterness, our lack of mercy, our lack of love, our lack of compassion. I can tell you from personal experience, if you wait long enough, the Lord will always show it to you.

THE ELDER BROTHER

I don’t think there’s a more perfect picture of a bad attitude in the Bible than the prodigal's whining elder brother. This party-pooper was so full of resentment toward his prodigal brother that it’s downright embarrassing.

I confess that I see in myself much that reminds me of the prodigal's elder brother. I have not lived a life of rebellion or moral abandon. I came to Jesus at an early age, began living for Him in earnest as a teen, and have sought to stay true to Him to this day. Don't misunderstand me. I am just as much a sinner as the most profligate prodigal - no difference. And my steady pursuit of Christ has not kept me from presenting a pitiful picture of what it means to be His follower on occasions without number. Despite my failures, flaws, and growing pains along the way, however, I’m a fair example of the classic "good kid."

So when I see the prodigal's descent into the depths of loose living, I can't identify. But when I hear his brother protesting, “Look! For so many years I have been serving you and I have never neglected a command of yours” [Luke 15:29], I hear in his words the voice of my own dissenting heart. I have expressed words like his, words of disappointment in God for His seeming lack of appreciation.

There are prodigals and there are prodigal's brothers. Though we’ve focused mostly on the Prodigal who left home, if we look at the context in which Jesus told this story, taking nothing away from the wayward son, it’s clear that he had the elder brother in mind.

The prodigal's obstacle is his sense of unworthiness to lay claim to the heart of his father. The obstacle of the prodigal's brother is his sense of entitlement, an insistence upon God's approval for his faithfulness. In its advanced stages, "Prodigal's Brother Disease" (PBD) can rob an individual of their joy. We can become a spiritual scrooge who mutters "Bah, humbug" on occasion.

Are you a prodigal's brother? Then the antidote is to serve without strings before it robs you of joy. Stay faithful to God without getting sucked into thinking that God owes you recognition. Your faithfulness matters. Never forget what Jesus says to the prodigal's brother,

“And he said to him, ‘Son, you have always been with me, and all that is mine is yours’”

There are many things in which you and I must take the lead, depending on God’s Holy Spirit to help. Paul didn’t say, [I’m paraphrasing here] “I used to speak, act and understand like a child but when I was converted, God just took all my juvenile ways away from me. “ No-Paul said, “When I became a man, “I put away childish things.” Paul didn’t say, “I used to have a problem with discontent. I was rarely happy except in really great circumstances. But one day I got a supernatural revelation on how to be content.” No-Paul said, “For I have learned to be content in whatever circumstance I find myself in.”

Instead of you and I saying, “I’ve never had a problem with anger, criticalness, jealousy, resentment, unforgiveness, or any of those old bad attitudes,” we need to say rather, “I’m on a daily quest to be more Christ like and He’s giving me more and more power to discern and root out the B.A [bad attitudes] the devil would like to slip into my heart.” This clears the way for God to infuse more of His Holy Spirit power in us.

Jesus is very clear when he says. “Do not judge. Instead take the log out of your own eye and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

We shouldn’t appraise another person’s character unless they reveal their character to us voluntarily. In reality there’s no positive reason to criticize others. But the fact is because of our fallen nature, we’re pretty much all very critical creatures. Without God and His daily dealings with us, we’re all by nature -not very nice people.

Nowadays it’s almost impossible to dialogue with Christians about things political. We know we can’t allow vitriol to exist in our hearts about fellow Christians, but when it comes to politics; we can make up for it by venting our wrath on Politicians or Parties. It’s common to see Christians who’re highly critical of people with whom they differ politically.

I’m not advocating here against open and opinionated political conversations, where we freely and articulately make our views known to whomever, whenever, wherever. A thousand times no!! I often vent publicly on political subjects, and make no apology for it. I do however believe that as Christians, we should beware lest we get so caught up in a battle and a conflict with the folk with whom we disagree that we can develop resentments and judgments that are very unhealthy spiritually.

IMHO, it’s far better to leave off political pontificating when we get to the place that when someone speaks from another viewpoint, there’s virtually no ability to actually hear them. This stems from a critical spirit. It’s a wrong attitude and it quenches the power of God in the Christian’s life. This “devise of the Devil” masquerading as patriotism can rip apart nations, families, churches and even marriages. In other words, speak your mind- Good. Get on a high-horse until every dog on the block is barking, bad.

Another example can be the “small church, large church” syndrome. Christians can get so entrenched in one of the above; it’s hard for them to feel at home in the other. This unease is a critical spirit. In truth, if the gospel is preached, we ought to rejoice. The same thing applies with the “Old-church-Contemporary church” syndrome.

So what do we do? We take thorough stock of our critical heart. We learn to turn our eyes from focusing on the speck in our brother’s eye to the log in our own.

We should immerse ourselves in the teachings of Christ until we understand that any criticalness, unforgiveness, anger, desire to expose, loveless ness, resentment etc. can constitute a spiritual disease that places us in spiritual danger. Don’t, like the Rich Young Ruler, turn away sad in the first rudimentary Christianity 101 class that Jesus gives us. He’s our leader; we need to learn to take spiritual direction from Him. If we take His direction and allow ourselves to be changed by His words and if we respond in a healthy way, then we will find the power we so desperately need.

MAKE A LIST

The following would be helpful. Make a list of all the people you resent or are critical of. Maybe you already do this. I’ve done it for years and still do. The first list I made years ago, I found that the list had over 100 names on it. I was horrified. It seemed I was critical of everyone. The whole world. All political parties. All denominations. Most of my friends. My family. My extended family. My college roommates. Kids from grade school. Members of my church. My kids. My parents. My parent’s old friends. My old friends. My old friend’s parents. My old friend’s brothers and sisters. The English. The French. The Germans. Pentecostals. Conservatives. Liberals. The elders of the church. The deacons. My mentor. My superiors. My co-workers. My ex-co-workers. Old girlfriends. My sister and her husband. My sister’s friends. Her husband’s friends. Kids from the neighborhood. Musicians. Tone deaf people. Theologies. Men in general. Women in general. My circumstances.

To be painfully honest we can all get mad at the world and find it exceeding easy to get resentful of someone just because they don’t respond the way we think they should.

To have a large list does not mean that frustration with life is the main theme of our character. No one would look at me and say I am an angry person. I’m known as a jovial dude. A “Hail fellow well met.” But for a person killed by cyanide they wouldn't have to take a huge amount of cyanide. A little of this toxic stuff can make us spiritually sick. A little leaven leavens the whole lump. Therefore, we must make sure that even the slightest remnant of frustration or criticalness be dealt with ruthlessly. You may have to just do it every day and every night for awhile.

WHAT DID THEY DO?

After we make our first list (which could take a few hours or a few days), we begin to list what they did that makes us angry or critical. For example, your brother….he didn’t defend me in front of the neighbor kids. Your mom….she divorced your dad. It’s that simple. Do not write a lot of words. Some people greatly err on this point. When we write it all out, we’re venting. Venting only teaches us to be angry. As a rule do not write more than 10 words on an instance. You may break down and weep just thinking about the injustice of it all. This is normal. But I warn against writing a lot about why you are angry on a certain point.

Writing a long dissertation is usually just rationalizing why you are angry as if we’re trying to find some reason to stay angry. We are not trying to stay sore. Also, for some people say like a spouse, we may have many lines of things we are critical of or bent-out-of-shape about. Also when writing about a spouse you might consider a code.

EXAMPLES

My wife…she gets angry when I go golfing.

My husband….he watches too much TV

My wife….she shows disrespect in front of the kids

My husband…he spends too much money. He bought this…

Bob Smith….he won’t return my call

Joe Jones…he criticized my preaching behind my back.

My boss…he threatened to fire me.

My co-worker…he told the boss I’m not dependable.

My co-worker….he told the boss my department was a problem and didn’t speak to me first.

My co-worker….he said I have an ego problem.

My friend…he won’t take my advice.

The list can go on and on and it should. Be very thorough.

How did this incident hurt you?

What we are doing is accepting that an actual hurt occurred. The incident may have hurt us financially or emotionally. Our spouses’ may have embarrassed us in some way. Yes, that hurt emotionally, financially, socially. This process is simply to help us see that the stuff of life really does hurt us. We are getting real with our heart here. We are being honest that we are indeed quite sore about things.

Ask for Forgiveness for our Anger

At this point, we need to make sure we accept Jesus’ saying,

“I say if you are angry, you are liable before the judgment” (Matt 5:22).

This step is the most important. The Word of God must be our standard. If we have anger, or words of judgment or a critical heart toward our brother or sister, we are liable to the judgment. We have real guilt before God if we have anger. Therefore, we need to be convicted of this sin by the Word and the Spirit. This point cannot be over emphasized. Ask God to take away our anger and our hatred…we admit that our love level is low and in fact do wish harm on some people. Hold the standard up high and get real! This is the key!!

Finding our Fault

Before coming to this step, we need to be thorough about the step of confessing our sin of being angry and critical. We might well take a day or so between steps four and five. Really we are now doing something different. First we were being ruthlessly honest with our sin of anger. We exposed to ourselves the reality that we are a mad, prone to sin person. This confession of deep anger is a breakthrough in itself. I suspect that everyone is a really ticked-off person at least part of the time.

JOSEPH

If ever a man had a right to be angry and resentful it was Joseph.

Sold by his brothers into slavery, then wrongly accused of trying to sexually abuse his master’s wife, Joseph gets placed by God into one of the most powerful positions in all of Egypt. Though he’d been mistreated by the Egyptian system, he accepted God’s call to save this pagan land and all the surrounding areas from famine.

Given the opportunity to get back at his brothers because of his position and their need for help, Joseph tests them and then finally reveals who he is. After their reconciliation he receives the blessing of their father before he passes away. They have a huge beautiful funeral and then the brothers once again get scared. They think their brother now has the power to get back at them and so they send a message saying that their father sent word before he died that he wanted Joseph to forgive them all for all the wrongs they’d done to him. Then they finish with, “We are your slaves.” Joseph’s response was to weep before them all. What he says next is so powerful.

“’Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. So then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children.” And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them.’” (Gen. 50:19-21, NIV)

The movie Dead Man Walking tells the true story of how an unsuspecting Catholic nun became the spiritual director of a death row inmate. Throughout the movie, this prisoner, who was convicted of the brutal murder of a young couple, does little to make us identify with him as a human being. He is sickening and repulsive. Yet this nun, Sister Prejean, continues to guide him, hoping somehow to touch is soul. Finally she leads him to an act of contrition and penance and as a result, he declares to the parents of his victims, "I hope that my death gives you some peace."

But for the parents of the young girl, there is no peace. The only thing they have is their hate. And under the circumstances...their reaction is understandable, even natural.

But, the father of the young man is not as hardened. He attends the grave side services for the murderer, but stands at a distance. Sister Prejean goes to him and he tells her, "Sister, I wish I had your faith." She replies, "It's not faith. It's a lot of WORK."

I’d like to suggest a simple prayer for the Holy Spirit to take over our life. Saying words alone won’t change our hearts, but if these words reflect your deepest desire, then today could be a new beginning.

Heavenly Father, our problem is not with your Word. We know what it says. And our problem is not with other people, not even the ones who have hurt us deeply. Our problem is on the inside. We confess that too many times we have been critical of those around us. Forgive us our thoughtless, unkind, hurtful words. O Lord, show us a better way! Without you, we will never change.

Thank you for showing us how to live. Thank you for showing us how to die. Thank you for showing us how to forgive the people who have hurt us the most.

Holy Spirit, fill us with your power so that we might become truly different people. Set us free from bitterness, from anger, and from a judgmental spirit. Grant us power to love each other.

Make us like Jesus, full of grace and truth. And do it now, in this moment.


Blessings,


John