7 reasons America's homes are falling apart

BY John Stallings


Our Nation has wandered from God’s plan for marriage & families. It’s plain to see the effects that divorce is having on our country. The destruction of the family has propagated itself in many social ills such as violence, crime, teen pregnancies, abortion, pornography & suicide.

America now has the second highest divorce in the world & married couples for the first time are in the minority, accounting for 49.7% of households with children.

God is looking for someone to stand in the gap for crumbling homes.

Let me be candid. I experienced a painful marital breakup which started in 1986 & ended in divorce in 1988. Divorce came after several attempts at counseling over nearly a two year period.

I share this only because I’d feel hypocritical writing this message on the home if I wasn’t candid about my own life. I’d feel even worse if I let the fact of my own divorce muzzle me when I can speak with some authority about it. Hopefully the things I’ve gone through can help shed light on this most important theme.

I’m now finalizing a book under the working title “The stories behind Learning to Lean,” that will go into further chronicling of the way God has brought glory to His name from the brokenness of a life.

Like the Phoenix rising, God can take the ashes of our lives & reconstruct them in such a way as to bring even greater glory to His name.

Divorce to me was different than it would be for a doctor or a dentist, for several reasons. Anyone in the professions or any job for that matter can go on with their lives without interruption, though they experience several divorces.

Not so with a preacher, at least one affiliated with the Assemblies of God, the group I proudly served for decades. If divorce happened to one of their ministers, they could no longer hold credentials.

I have no hard feelings toward them, as I always knew their position on divorce. Though it would have been nice if they could have made an exception in my case, I understood why this wasn’t possible & never asked them to accommodate me & my problems. I continue today to enjoy the friendship of many A/G ministers & have the highest love & regard for the organization though I haven’t been a member for nearly twenty years.

To me divorce meant I would lose my ministerial credentials, my livelihood, reputation, the Church I’d worked in for over thirty years, a lifetime network of friends & connections, as well as practically everything materially I had worked a lifetime for.

I was able to resign from the A/G in good standing, meaning I was permitted to preach in their pulpits when invited. Indeed if I had chosen not to remarry, I could have remained in the organization with nothing negative on my record.

Because of the fact that my children were married before their parent’s break-up & my participation in all their weddings, I realize that I can’t relate to the heartbreak many people undergo in divorce when small children are involved.

That isn’t to say my children weren’t hurt by their parents breakup but thankfully they were all married adults. However, studies in the last several years have shown that divorce negatively impacts the lives of adult children of divorce. Indeed, divorce totally rewrites the history & legacy of a family. It’s almost certain that no one connected with a divorce will live long enough to totally escape its shadow.

What else can I believe but that God allowed my path to cross with my first childhood sweetheart, Juda. After an amicable parting of the ways at sixteen & seventeen, we'd gone our seperate ways & hadn’t seen each others faces or heard each others voices for some 30 years. She & her husband Wayne had been pastoring for years, & after his death in 1985 with an aortal aneurysm, she’d pastored for three years the church they pioneered in Nashville, TN. Their ministry also spawned an excellent traveling musical group called The Song of life band.

Soon this former sweetheart & widowed lady-preacher & I were married. We've been married almost 20 years I thank God every day for a wife anchored in spiritual things, who loves God & His Word with all her heart. She’s an amazing wife & takes good care of me. Juda is adored by her husband, her three wonderful children, eight beautiful grandchildren, ten gorgeous step-grandchildren, her extended family & everyone who has ever met her.

God hates divorce because He knows the pain it causes His children. You won’t hear me extol the beauties of divorce & remarriage in this article or anything else I write but sometimes it happens, & our God doesn’t become so frustrated with anything that befalls His children that He can’t pick up the fragments of our brokenness & prove… He’s still “The healer of broken hearts.”

Juda & I are thankful we are given another chance to be fuel on God's fire, to travel the world in ministry, pastor churches & spend these recent years together in evangelism.

Let hasten to say,--The first reason America’s homes are falling apart is;


1. HARDNESS OF HEART!

Matthew 19:7-8 says…They say unto Him, why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement and to put her away?

He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives; but from the beginning it was not so.

Proverbs 28:13-14…..He that covereth his sin shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy. Happy is the man that feareth always but he that hardeneth his heart shall fall into mischief

When people demand divorce, mostly it’s because of hard hearts. I have sat countless times & heard women say, “I don’t love him anymore, he’s killed it.” I’ve heard men say, --“After the way she’s acted, I can’t trust her anymore,” or-- “But I don’t love my spouse anymore.”

But after marriage, it isn’t a love issue; it’s a commitment issue.

Hebrews 3:13 says ---But exhort one another daily while it is called Today; lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin.

Divorce brings on much turbulence & emotional anguish. People find themselves doing things they wouldn’t normally do. You’ll hear people say “I just don’t know this person anymore”-- about someone in the process of divorce. They are right because most folk go through a metamorphosis during their divorce. They tend to be much more rash & emotional in their decision-making.

Speaking or HARDNESS OF HEART, here are some terrible mistakes people make during divorce. They;

1. ….. put their children in the middle of their divorce. What’s worse is they’ll justify it. Children should be made to understand they’re not the reason for the divorce.


2. ….. cut their spouse down in front of their children. They’ll even try to stop the children from seeing the ex-spouse.

3. …. use children as a negotiating ploy.

4. ….. spend $1,000 to fight over a $100.00 piece of furniture.

5. …… get greedy & because they’re hurt feel they’re entitled to more of the marital assets than would be right.

6. …… use their children as their therapist when kids aren’t equipped to handle the emotional stress placed on them.

7. ……. make it a life-time mission to turn everyone they can against their ex-spouse.

8. ……. allow their children to play one parent against the other one.

9. ……… use their children as a means to get messages to their ex-spouse. Some divorced people will try to instill hate in the hearts of their children making it clear, often subtly that any real relationship they have with the other parent will be unforgivable.

10. ……Instead of fixing what they can & letting the rest go, some people will rehash their divorce for 20 or more years many times seeking to reinvent it or spin it to try to make past foolish decisions easier to live with.

The next reason homes are falling apart is;

2. BAD CONFLICT RESOLUTION

A couple had experienced a lot of conflict in their home over the course of 40 years. Suddenly the wife died & as she approached the gates of heaven St. Peter greeted her. She was overwhelmed at the beauty of things but then Peter said, “There’s one small matter left before you enter heaven.” “What’s that?” she asked. Peter said, “You’ll have to spell a word for me.” “What word?” “Oh, it can be any word you chose.” “OK,” she said” “I’ll spell love. “L-O-V-E.” Peter congratulated her & asked her to watch the gates for him while he took care of another matter.

Peter instructed her to ask the same question of anyone who happened to come to the gate while he was gone. “I’d be honored,” she said.

As soon as Peter left the women looked up & saw a man approaching & as he got closer she realized it was her husband. “What happened?” she asked. “Why are you here so soon?” He looked at her and said, “I was so upset by losing you that I got into a car accident and now -Wow, I’m here!”

She said, “Well, not quite yet. You have to spell a word to get in.” “What word?” he asked. She responded, “Czechoslovakia.”

Conflict can kill a marriage. Jesus said in Mark 3:25, --A family splintered by feuding will fall apart.

James 4:11-2 tells us the reason for conflict—what is causing quarrels & fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires within you? You want what you don’t have so you scheme & kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have but you can’t get it so you fight & wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it.

The cause of conflict is competing desires. I want what I want. You want what you want. We have competing needs & interests.

It seems like marriage goes through three stages; “the happy honeymoon,” “the parties over” “& let’s make a deal.”

Here are five ways people react to conflict;

1. MY WAY—you just keep going till you win.
2. NO WAY—you avoid confrontation at all costs.
3. YOUR WAY—you always say “I give in,” & roll over & play dead.
4. HALF WAY-we’ll meet in the middle, ---but where is the middle, really?
5. GOD”S WAY—we care about each other so we work out mutual goals together.

The next reason is;

3. UNFULFILLED EXPECTATIONS.

A big misconception about marriage is that we’ll find a person to meet every need of our lives. This thinking isn’t only mythical it’s tragic. The truth is; a successful marriage isn’t made by bringing two halves together to make a “Whole.” Marriage will only work when two whole people come together to form a team.

Here are some helpful rules for resolving conflict.

1. Never compare. “Why can’t you be more like…..? This is unfair. God made us all unique & this kind of question puts people on the defensive.
2. Never condemn. Don’t say….”You always…” Generalization escalates the conflict. What are we accusing a person of when we say…”you always?”
3. Never command. “I demand that you do what I say.” Are you a parent or a spouse?
4. Never challenge by threats. “Just try that & see what happens.” Since childhood when someone drew a line & told us not to cross it, we did, didn’t we? To threaten with sex, money or divorce is a mark of immaturity.
5. Never condescend. Don’t belittle your spouse. When we deign to know what our partner’s thoughts or motives are, that’s playing God.
6. Never contradict. Don’t cut each other off. Treat each other with consideration.
7. Never confuse the issue. I’ll bet some of you are good at that. When you see you’re losing you try to drag a Red-Herring across the path.

Proverbs 11:29 says----Those who bring trouble on their families inherit the wind.

Another reason America’s homes are breaking up is;

4. UNFAITHFULNESS.

The Bible condemns all sexual immorality, but let’s talk for a moment about a phenomenon called, “Intellectual adultery,” or “emotional adultery.” This will explain why most marriages break up.

High school chemistry taught us when certain substances come into close contact they can form a chemical reaction. People many times can play loosely with volatile ingredients. Many married folk don’t understand that a chemical reaction can occur with someone other than their mates.

I’m referring not only to sexual attraction but to the reaction of two hearts, the chemistry of two souls. When people are together whether it’s at work or anywhere else & began talking about their intimate struggles, they are often sharing in a way that God intended exclusively for the marriage relationship. Emotional adultery is a friendship with the opposite sex that has progressed too far. All adultery starts with talking.

I’ve looked into the eyes of men & women who’ve fallen emotionally for each other & been nauseous to my soul when I saw adultery in their eyes. I’ve seen this in churches when it was so thick you could slice it with a knife, & it all started as a casual, unguarded relationship. Anytime a married person tells a co-worker the things they are struggling with, be it with spouse or children, soon the emotions can ricochet & hearts ignite & become fused with shocking rapidity.

If you find yourself connecting with a person in this way, know you are traveling a road that too often ends in adultery & divorce. Understand the power of your eyes & know that you may have to pull the shades if someone is pausing too long in front of your windows.

Good eye contact is necessary for effective conversation but frankly, if someone thinks I’m insecure or shy because I don’t hold that contact very long, so be it.

If anything remotely like what I’ve described is happening to you, go back to your chemistry class & remember one of the reacting elements must be removed, & remove it quickly,--end of story! Here’s another marriage killer;

5. “IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES??”

This phrase is funny if it weren’t so terribly tragic. I ask you; what are our lives if they’re not two people who are as different as night & day working it out under one roof? We all have so many differences we can never dream of reconciling most of them.

But having said that, there’s one thing I know for sure & that is none of us can know what someone else’s marriage is like. Experience has shown me that some marriages become so violent people have to divorce in order to live.

Be you male or female, if physical attacks are being made on you by your spouse regularly, if you feel it questionable as to whether you can live safely under the same roof with them, if your mate repeatedly tells you they don’t love you, if they are defrauding you sexually on an ongoing basis by refusing to meet your needs as a spouse, if you’re told to get-out & after you leave you’re sent a bouquet of flowers & a card celebrating your departure, then I don’t deny you have some “differences that may be irreconcilable” & you need a miracle.

In this case, in all probability the individual has been deserted & the spouse is no longer physically or emotionally available to them. The advice I’ve given people as a pastor is; though divorce still might not be your final destination, you have to do what you must to survive emotionally, spiritually & physically.

Next, homes are breaking up because of;

6. UNREASONABLE DEMANDS

Check your expectations. If you find your spouse is always disappointing you, you may need to scale down your expectations. Everyone comes into marriage with their own set of unspoken expectations. These are usually things we’ve decided watching our parents or others we admire.

If you hang your unspoken expectations around your spouse’s neck & you never voiced them before marriage, you shouldn’t get bent-out-of-shape if they’re not met. Stop assuming & start communicating.

If you watch TV a lot you’ll know that most of us don’t measure up. I haven’t seen a 500 lb. person with two teeth selling cars yet, have you? Let’s get real; most of us can “pinch an inch.”

Lady, if you’re a Christian married to an unbeliever, please read & study 1 Peter 3:1-6. Husbands, we need to read from verse 7 to the end of that chapter.

Lastly, homes are falling victim to;

7. UNFORGIVING ATTITUDES.

Part of the magic of a marriage is enjoyment of each other’s company & nothing will ruin that quicker than resentment & bitterness.

Fights are going to happen, unless one of you is in a coma, but you can chose to handle the conflicts the right way & it will make your union stronger.

In Ephesians 4:32-32 Paul exhorts, “Let all bitterness & wrath & anger & clamor & slander be put away from you along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted forgiving each other just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Marriage is a covenant that is made to last until death. That may be hard to believe in our culture when divorce is so commonplace but The Word of God is very serious about the vows between man & wife. [Matt. 19:3-9.]

If you’ve been using the word divorce stop it because that threat only plants seeds of fear & mistrust in your marriage. If you’re on the fence & are leaning toward throwing in the towel on your marriage, you’d be wise to burn the midnight oil & search out every conceivable option before you cavalierly go down the road of divorce. Your marriage is worth waiting for & fighting for & God changes people when someone is praying.

Instead, tell your spouse that you’ll never leave. I’ve told Juda over & over that if she leaves I’m going with her. You may need to make some changes & you may even need counseling. Let your mate know you’re willing to work things out because you made a promise to them & God.

In closing let me say a few words of hope for those who, like me have experienced divorce. We already know that God hates divorce but that’s cold comfort for those who’ve already had their world traumatized by it.

If we look in Mark 10:2-12 we can read what Jesus says about divorce & believe me, what He says there is as tough as it gets. Jesus doesn’t mince words here & there’s no way around the reality of what He says about divorce, ---He’s against it!!

But I don’t think it a coincidence that verse 13 , the very next verse in that chapter tells the story of Christ being very much against something else; He’s wholeheartedly against His disciples trying to push away the little children He so eagerly wants to receive. Verse 16 says----And He took them up in His arms, put His hands upon them and blessed them.

I don’t believe these two stories are put side by side by coincidence. Here’s what I see; --Divorce, as bad as it is, places us in a position like these children were in. They had nothing to bring to the table but themselves. And when we feel like failures because our lives haven’t matched the hopes God had for us, we are still welcome, not just to sit at the edges, but to sit on Jesus’ lap & be comforted by Him.

If you’ve already experienced a divorce all you can do at this point is ask God to forgive you for the part you played, if any & move on. Perhaps, as bad as divorce is, and though in ten thousand years we would never have wanted it for ourselves, maybe it can be a thing to set us free to experience anew the extravagant mercy of Christ.

But let us all keep working hard in our marriages to put our spouse’s needs before our own. When we do this, things can’t help but greatly improve. Do it for the sake of your spouse, for the sake of your children, & for the sake of your marriage.

Also do it for the sake of America that will crumble soon if the tide of divorce isn’t stemmed.

BLESSINGS,
John