If You're Considering Divorce.....

By John Stallings


Susan Doe testified that she was beaten, kicked, burned with cigarettes & stabbed.

She also stated that her husband “threw me so hard against the wall that my head went through the paneling. He loved guns so his favorite game when he was drinking was Russian roulette— “his gun, my head.”

Question: Does God forbid this woman to divorce her husband who is ruthless, savage, heartless, cold-blooded & violent? Does God forbid her divorce since sexual immorality wasn’t involved? Would you say “bound for life” adultery not committed? Are there any mitigating circumstances where mercy takes precedent over law?

Jesus said:--But if ye had known what this meaneth; I will have mercy, & not sacrifice, ye would not have condemned the guiltless. Matt. 12:7

Nancy Doe’s husband is in prison for life because he conspired to kill the wife of another man for insurance money. He took her into the woods, tied her to a tree & cut her throat from ear to ear. However he didn’t have sex with her. Question: Is Nancy bound to her husband for the rest of her life because he didn’t have sex with the woman, he just practically decapitated her?

In John 1:14 we read…and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace & truth. You see this over & over with Jesus. He was a perfect mixture of both grace & truth. In order for us to be Christlike we must find that same balance.

Divorce is a complicated subject. Some people can’t deal with shades of grey. They want to make everything black & white. I think you know that divorce isn’t pretty & it certainly isn’t black & white but contains shades of grey. I don’t want to upset anyone here nor do I want to open any old wounds, but I’m going to have to deal with some shades of grey in this piece.

To be perfectly candid, some divorces seem senseless, as if the two people just got tired of trying & hit the eject button. I am non-plussed when I hear people say, “Oh, my ex-spouse and I are the best of friends. We are together on all the holidays and talk on the phone most every day.” Maybe I’m wrong but that indicates to me they must have divorced on extremely frivolous grounds. If the ex-spouse sold you out lock-stock-and barrel, how can you befriend them now?

On the other hand, others divorces are so painful it seems that separation is the only redemptive thing to do. The people in the marriage are going “nuts-o” & children as well as others are in clear & present danger.

The stats aren’t pretty. More than 50% of all marriages in America will end in divorce. The stats say second & third marriages have an even higher failure rate. If people were getting rid of their problems by getting rid of spouses you wouldn’t see second & third divorces. New marriage—same old person----equals same result.

That’s why since 1970 there has been a 430% increase in the number of couples choosing to live together before getting married. This doesn’t seem to help but only increases their chances of divorce by another 50%. Not to mention they’re living in sin. You’d think things would be different in church but the divorce rate among those who claim to be Christians has just surpassed society as a whole. Not good!

Can we conceive of any circumstance in which divorce would be acceptable to God without sexual sin on the part of one of the partners? Did Jesus actually teach that there are no grounds for divorce other than fornication or adultery? When the writers recorded the divorce teachings of Jesus, did they have in view that His words were a be-all/end-all dissertation on the subject of divorce & remarriage?

What about spouse abuse, child abuse, refusing to provide for one’s family, wasting family resources by drug-addiction or gambling, rejection, mental, spiritual or emotional abuse, unreasonable demands, harassment, behavior that beats a mate down, criticizes & destroys their hope & joy, creates depression, weakens & compromises them morally emotionally or spiritually, refusal to break from dependency on ones family, actions that show no regard for the safety of the mate, contempt for the mates decisions, refusal to allow children to be disciplined, demanding control of all martial finances, failure to regulate finances, contemptuous behavior, slander, reviling mate, falsely accusing mate publicly, dishonoring mate, etc.

Could these possibly be called reasons for divorce? These are issues that puzzle & bring consternation to millions of people. Is the best we can offer a spouse trapped in an abusive marriage & has given everything but their sanity to it, that “God will bless you if you stay in the relationship?” Is it possible that we could apply some other principles here that would be helpful & enlightening & give us a more proper understanding & course of action than just the few verses on the subject in the Bible?

I realize that the subject of divorce is extremely controversial. Dealing with it is as sensitive as trying to perform a root canal without using Novocain. There’s no doubt that divorce is one of the world’s most common social problems & carries an immense stigma especially among religious folk. The church lays a heavy guilt burden on divorced people.

It isn’t in the mind & heart of this writer to minimize the sacredness of marriage or the tragedy of divorce, however, If we look at the problem of divorce through a “theological straw,” we can create impossible situations for many innocent victims scarred by divorce. Some people are so narrow minded they can look through a keyhole with both eyes. But have you noticed almost without exception they change their attitude when divorce comes to their doorsteps? It’s amazing how a little trouble can change people’s theology.

This much is obvious; while couples need to be challenged to be faithful to their marriage vows at all costs, there is a need for ministry to those who’ve been divorced to help them move past the guilt & shame that accompanies it.

When speaking of divorce, well-meaning people will often raise the standard too high or lower it. On one hand people will raise the standard seeking to stop divorce saying there’s no divorce for anybody, anytime & absolutely no remarriage for anyone anytime, period. On the other hand sincere people will emphasize that we must love, care for & accept those touched by divorce. While they rightly stress forgiving, they end up lowering the standard to the same as the worlds, & that’s Biblically wrong.

What is needed is an encouraging & redemptive word for those who’ve been shattered by divorce letting them know that God hasn’t disenfranchised them & doesn’t love them less than others: that the Bible isn’t an “anti-divorce document,” & they deserve to be free from spiritual & emotional burdens attached to divorce, at the same time continuing to build up the solemnity of marriage.

Every effort should be made to avoid the extreme positions held by those who condemn all divorce, even when the Bible grants it, as well as those who condone any & all divorce under all circumstances. A balanced position has to be found between legalism & license so that we might do as Jesus said; -bring liberty to those who are bruised.

Every Biblical passage needs to be examined & looked at in its proper context, & it should be asked how that passage of scripture fits our times. While the Bible doesn’t speak to every divorce situation specifically, it does give us timeless principles & truths we can apply.

Divorce isn’t primarily a theological issue but rather is a people issue. Any theological position on divorce that results in a heavy-handed condemnation of divorced people falls short of the Spirit of Christ. God isn’t really in the theology business; He’s in the people business.

JESUS WAS IN THE PEOPLE BUSINESS

When the Pharisees brought the woman caught in adultery to Jesus, & had taken up stones getting ready to stone her, in a very real sense He risked His life to stand up for her.

I experienced divorce more than twenty-five years ago & I can tell you there’s no pain quite like it. I’ve been told that losing a spouse to death is worse in the short term but divorce is more painful in the long term.

In reality, divorce is a form of death; the death of a relationship. The spouses, children, relatives & friends are the mourners, the lawyers are the undertakers, the court is the cemetery where the coffin is sealed & the dead bones of the marriage are buried.

In cases where a spouse has died, at least that renders them unable to continue to try to hurt the spouse they left. In a high percentage of divorces, one or both of the couple, if they’re still bitter, will spend many years trashing the ex-spouse & do all possible to keep a war going.


Counseling centers, pastor’s offices, psychiatric services & happy hours are running over with people looking for relief from the pain caused by divorce. Obviously divorce isn’t as painful for some as it is for others. Some marriages are so messed up & destructive that divorce comes as a blessing. But for most people, divorce leaves a deep painful wound that takes a long time to heal. Some never fully recover.

Many divorced people will vouch for the fact that for a long time after the experience they feel as if they’re living a nightmare from which they can’t wake up. Part of the hurt is being judged by others as “adulterous, criminal, neurotic, or at best frivolous & unfortunate.”

Divorce is devastating for the children because they often interpret it as a personal rejection & blame themselves thinking that somehow they caused the break-up. Tragically, the cumulative effect of divorces weakens the foundation of a nation & in the long term everyone experiences negative fallout.

WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY ABOUT DIVORCE?

The first observation we can make without fear of contradiction is that the Bible has precious little to say on the subject. For example, there are over 500 verses in the Bible on faith, over 500 verses on prayer but only 34 times in the Word of God does the word divorce appear. There are many diverse situations that bring on divorce but unfortunately the Bible doesn’t deal directly with many of these situations.

As an example, the verse that says, God is love, has just as much to say about divorce as the verse that says I hate divorce. We can’t just look at one passage & think we’re getting the totality of what God has to say to people going through any problem. The entirety of Scripture must be taken into account when weighing sensitive issues.

Let’s be real. When God says, “I hate divorce;” it doesn’t mean He hates divorced people. He loves divorced people as much as anyone else. Doesn’t everyone hate divorce? The school system hates divorce; society hates divorce & divorced people, more than anyone, hate divorce. The children of divorce hate it as they’re the ones who walk into the court room & watch innocently as their parents’ divorce is finalized. Divorce is a no-win situation any way you look at it because someone always gets hurt.

Any suggestion that God hates divorced people is absurd on its face. When God says He hates divorce, what does He mean? When God uses those words He isn’t saying what some folk hear. His voice doesn’t thunder out to shake the earth to show us his anger & disgust. To the contrary, God is speaking compassionately to those who’ve lived through the trauma of divorce. God hates anything that causes so much pain to children, to families, the church & to society.

The following is an overview of biblical passages on divorce.

1. The Mosaic Law---Leviticus 21:7, 14, -22; 13--Ezekiel 44:22 Old Testament priests were forbidden to marry divorced or widowed women as a symbol of the priesthood.

2. Numbers 30:9—Vows taken by widowed or divorced women stood on their own merit while those taken by married women could be fulfilled by their husbands. Num.30:6-8

3. The OT Prophets-1 Chronicles 8:8—Historical reference to a divorce in the linage of Saul.

Isaiah 50:1—Jeremiah 3:8 –Both these passages provide a play on words referring to God giving the nation of Israel a certificate of divorce due to her spiritual adultery.

4. Jesus’ teaching—Matthew 1:19-When Joseph learned Mary was pregnant before their marriage he had decided to divorce her privately until God revealed to him that she was carrying the Messiah.—Matt.5:31,32—In His sermon on the Mount, Jesus confronted the frivolous reasons which men used to divorce their wives, stating that adultery is the only legitimate grounds. Matt.19:1-9—Jesus reiterated to the Pharisees who questioned Him about divorce that adultery is the only grounds for divorce. He added that the only reason Moses permitted them a “certificate of divorce” was due to the hardness of their hearts.

Mark 10:1-9, Like 16:18---Unjustifiable divorce amounts to adultery in subsequent remarriage. Jesus underscored the permanence of marriage as God’s will: “What God has joined together let man not separate.

5. Paul’s Teaching—1 Corinthians 7:11-13, 27—this is the only apostolic passage on divorce & remarriage recorded in the New Testament. Paul prefixed his remarks by saying,-To the rest I say this, [I, not the Lord,] he spoke as a seasoned apostle by divine concession not divine commandment as he did earlier in this passage. His wisdom is, however, inspired by the Holy Spirit.

Verses 11-14- Believers married to unbelievers are to minister to their unbelieving mates not divorce them. Verse 27:-Paul poignantly states, are you married? Do not seek a divorce.

Verse 39. While the word Divorce does not appear in this verse Paul stated that couples are only bound together in marriage while both are still living. The death of one’s mate frees the other to remarry but only “in the Lord.” You can see what I mean when I say the information on divorce is limited.

When we pull all this together several timeless truths emerge;

• God’s will for married couples to make a life-long commitment in a monogamous relationship: a principle spelled out clearly.
• Due to the hardness of men’s hearts & the problem of unfaithfulness, divorce was granted as a “divine concession.” It provided primarily for women who suffered from abusive relationships.
• The primary grounds for divorce given in the Mosaic Law involved a husband discovering something about his wife i.e. adultery or sexual immorality.
• Since men often divorced their wives for frivolous reasons a husband was required to provide his wife a certificate of divorce which allowed her to remarry without shame.
• Jesus taught that adultery constitutes legitimate grounds for divorce while limiting remarriage in order to discourage widespread divorce & remarriage by those who had lost sight of the sanctity of marriage.
• The early church expanded the grounds of divorce to include abandonment.

Just as in The Garden of Eden, God loves us so much that when we turned our backs on Him, in order to save us from ourselves, He adapted Himself to the conditions we created by our abuses of His freedom. In The Garden He slew animals & made skins for Adam & Eve to wear. We might call that God’s modifications. But we should never confuse God’s modifications with God’s ultimate Intentions. Nor should we confuse God’s modifications with His acceptance or approval. God hates divorce but He allows divorce in some cases to keep us from doing worse to each other.

Let’s be honest, it takes two people to have a healthy, vibrant marriage. It’s impossible for one person to keep a marriage together if the other person acts irresponsibly, ungodly & destructively. In many cases one person does everything he or she can possibly do to have a good marriage while the other person does nothing, leaving no other option but divorce.

Is a spouse in a marriage like that marked for the rest of their life & forced to wear the scarlet letter “D” because they were victimized by a destructive relationship they couldn’t save? Absolutely not.

If you are in a troubled relationship, and are considering divorce or perhaps you’ve already gone through divorce, here are some helpful steps;

1. Repent.
Repentance means to change the way you think & live. Learn from every sin or mistake so that you won’t make the same mistakes again. Remember God forgives & divorce isn’t the unpardonable sin.

2. Reconciliation

Make every attempt at reconciliation if possible so that you know you’ve done everything within your power to save your marriage. God wants us to live up to our commitments even when it’s difficult & painful.

3. Recovery

Take time to heal. Watch the rebound effect. Learn what you can from the marriage that failed. Don’t ricochet immediately into another relationship with the closest available person.

4. Restoration

Though martial reconciliation is most likely out of the question, try to reconcile your relationship with your former spouse. Don’t live in bitterness for the rest of your life. Many divorced people will do everything in their power to turn the children against the other spouse. Enough damage has already been done & now it’s important to the children of divorce that their parents relate civilly to each other.

5. Reorientation

Order your life & relationships according to the Word of God. Read carefully what the Bible says about love & marriage. Resolve to have a Christ-centered marriage; a covenant, not a contract. Read books designed to help couples in a Christian marriage.

If & when you go into another relationship, get rid of the word divorce. The problem is & always has been an attitude of “I’ve got to do what’s best for me.” You know what that attitude springs from? The sin of selfishness. To focus on self is to live the exact opposite way God created us to live. Which is why “what’s best for me,” never works. Contrast “I’ve got to do what’s best for me” with-“We’re in this together, no matter what” Now that’s commitment. “Incompatibility” is a word the lawyers use a lot but too often it’s just two stubborn people saying, “I refuse to change.”

The more self-centered we become the more angry & bitter we become. We get the exact opposite of what we want.

Finally, face your future with hope & keep pressing for the mark. Don’t look over your shoulder wondering what might have been. Fix your gaze on a new horizon & dream of tomorrow. Remember your future is as bright as the promises of God.

If you’ve gone through the pain of divorce, know that you’re not a second class citizen. Many have fought for their marriages doing all they could to keep them together sometimes all by themselves. Thank you for sticking with your commitment & know that God will honor it even if you’re doing it alone.

If you’re exhausted & ready to throw in the towel on the whole Enchilada, hang in there. Keep working at it. God is working along side you even if you don’t feel His presence.

Some years ago in Scotland two friends spent the day fishing. That evening they went to a local inn for dinner. One of them got carried away describing the size of the fish he caught. As he flung his hands in the air, he hit the cup of tea the waitress was about to put on the table. The tea cup was dashed against the wall leaving an ugly stain. The fisherman was embarrassed & began apologizing profusely.

Another man got up & came over to the table. “Don’t worry about it,” he said as he pulled a pen from his pocket & began to sketch around the ugly stain. Soon there appeared a majestic royal Elk with his antlers spread upward. The artist was Sir Edwin Landseer, England’s foremost painter of animals.

In the same way, God takes His pen of unconditional love & mercy, sketches over the ugly stains in our lives & recreates us as His masterpiece.


Blessings,

John