The Pathology Of Misunderstandings

By John Stallings


Many of us can remember the “hippy” days of the 1960’s.

If you remember this era, you’ll also remember the hippies grew older, married & had children though not necessarily in that order. But they didn’t name their kids Melissa or Brett, Johnny or Susie. The schools & kindergartens soon became accustomed to, Time Warp, Spring fever, Moonbeam, Earth, Precious Promise & Sun Ray -etc.

That’s when the teachers & pupils of one kindergarten got acquainted with five year old, “Fruit Stand.” Every fall, according to tradition, parents bravely applied name tags to their children, kissed them good-bye & sent them off on the school bus.

So it was for “Fruit Stand.” The teachers thought the boy’s name was odd, but they tried to make the best of it.

“Would you like to play with the blocks, Fruit Stand?” And later, “Fruit Stand, how about a snack?” He accepted hesitantly. By the end of the first day his name didn’t seem much odder than the other strangely different names.

At dismissal time the teachers led the children out to the waiting buses. “Fruit Stand” do you know which one is your bus?” He didn’t answer. That wasn’t strange because he hadn’t answered anything all day long. Lots of kids are shy on their first day of school.

It didn’t matter. The teachers had instructed the parents to write the names of the children’s bus stops on the reverse side of their name tags. The teacher simply turned over “Fruit Stand’s” tag. There, neatly printed, was the word “Anthony.” Let’s hope little Anthony wasn’t too traumatized by the misunderstanding about his name & let us also hope “Fruit-stand” didn’t stick as a nick-name.

A great man has said that one of the world’s most pressing problems was the misunderstanding among people. Man’s problem has always been our inability to understand our neighbors.

Have you ever agreed to meet someone & had a misunderstanding about the time & place? I’ve had it happen many times over the years. It’s embarrassing as I think about it. Cell phones help a lot these days if we are wrong about the meeting place, but how did we make it without these little phones?

I remember, especially during my college years in the late fifties, how misunderstandings stood between me & what could have been many great friendships. Looking back I can see that is was basically a North/South thing. It’s hard to believe that even in a Bible college setting; there could be this type of divide.

I remember toward the end of my sophomore year, something fluky happened one day that brought several of my northern classmates to my room to hang out for a while. To me they were the “elites” on campus. I wasn’t exactly a “big man” on campus, that’s my point. Not a class officer, not most popular, nor most likely to succeed. Even from a perspective of over fifty years it still seems strange to me that it happened.

A group of fellow male students just sort of gravitated to my dorm-room & we sat around & talked. I don’t remember what the occasion was; I can just remember the incident. No one seemed to be rushed & everyone got a chance to talk. In retrospect, I can now see it was a God-thing, because in our own way we were reaching out, trying to get to know one another. From that day on things were different & we all seemed to see each other in a new light. As we talked, I began to realize that the northern guys were a lot different than I’d thought. It was obvious after that time of fellowship that they were seeing me differently.

Funny thing, almost all of us were preacher’s boys of the same denomination. But still we’d held back on being friends separated -I guess by our geographical origins. We’d spent nearly two years feeling estranged from one another & we may have spent another two years feeling the same had it not been for that get-together. After about an hour of yammering & yapping, we all left feeling, I think- lifted up. But simultaneously we all experienced a little let down because we saw how much time we’d wasted on our preconceived judgments of each other.

As I left college & went into a traveling ministry, I determined not to let foolish misconceptions & misunderstandings stand in the way of friendships.
We’re not in a perfect world, & obviously things won’t always go the way we’d prefer. But if we think “outside the box,” our world will open up & our coasts will be enlarged as we include others from all walks of life. Over the years I’ve ministered in churches in many lands where I was the only white face present but when I could touch their love with my love, all the differences melted into irrelevance.

There will always be misunderstandings. Sometimes we bring them on ourselves, sometimes they’re unavoidable. No matter if you’re “Mr. Mercedes” or “Mr. Prius,” there’ll always be those times when you’re misunderstood. Sometimes the consequences will be benign, other times they can be very traumatic, even deadly. Even if you & I are faithfully following God’s leading we may still become a victim of misunderstandings. Let me flip it & say it another way; it’s not possible for any of us to always be understood. It doesn’t get any better as we age, in many respects.

Three senior citizens were taking a walk one day & they all were a little hard of hearing.

One of them said, “Windy, ain’t it?”
“No” he second man replied, “It’s Thursday.”
The third man chimed in, “So am I. Let’s have a coke.”

WHAT CAUSES MISUNDERSTANDINGS?
1. Careless listening.
We misunderstand each other many times because we don’t really listen to what the other person says. This is a problem I’ve had to be on guard against most of my adult life.

If there are any restaurant servers among my readers, I hope I don’t offend them, but I have this theory that the overwhelming majority of servers only listen to a food order with about 80% attention. A few weeks ago Juda & I went to our favorite restaurant for Sunday dinner. The female server took my order first & as I spoke she was looking somewhere across the room. This lady knows us well so I felt free to say, in a very light & humorous way, “You’re not even listening to me.” “Oh yes I am” she said, & went ahead & took our order.

I felt pretty sure I was dealing with a woman with Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. I told Juda as the lady walked away that if she ever came back, our order would be messed- up. Lo & behold I wasn’t disappointed. Several items were missing when the food got to us. That, in the servers mind wasn’t a big problem because she slowly added little dishes incrementally during the meal. It’s great to end up with Cole Slaw as your desert.

To their embarrassment, two or three other servers had to help her serve us & this woman wasn’t a beginner. Anyway we left feeling that the lady did the best she could that day & we all have our “off days.” Though I use this personal experience as an illustration, I’m hardly in a position to criticize anyone for careless hearing.

Another vital factor in misunderstandings is;

2. Careless speaking.

Jeremiah compares our mouths to a sharp arrow. He speaks of the difference between a sharp sword & a sharp arrow. If one draws a sword, he can always change his mind & put the sword away & no harm is done. But according to Jeremiah, if one shoots an arrow at his target & then he changes his mind it’s too late. Once words are spoken, -like arrows, they can’t be stopped from hitting their target. When we speak abusively to someone we can do permanent damage.

Sometimes seemingly innocent comments can be stumbling blocks for us & to us. There are times, especially when our children are young, when our nerves are frayed & if we’re not careful we can say things that we’ll wish a thousand times we could get back- but the damage is already done. We can easily take out our frustrations on those we love.

Let me give you a poem that illustrates just how “friendly fire” at home can be so devastating. The author is unknown but the title is;

“THE HANDWRITING ON THE WALL.”

A weary mom returned from the store, lugging groceries through the kitchen door.
Waiting for her was her 8 year old son, anxious to tell what his young brother had done.
“While I was out playing & dad was on call, T.J took his crayons & wrote on the wall.
It’s on the new paper you just hung in the den, I told him you’d be mad at having to do it again.”
She let out a moan & furrowed her brow, “Where is your little brother right now?”
She emptied her arms with a purposeful stride; she marched to the closet where he’d gone to hide.
She called his full name as he entered the room, - trembling with fear for he knew that meant doom.
For the next ten minutes she ranted & raved, about the expensive wallpaper & how she had saved.
Lamenting all the work it would take to repair, she condemned his behavior & total lack of care.
The more she scolded the madder she got, then stomped from his room totally distraught.
She headed for the den to confirm her fears, what she saw on the wall made her eyes fill with tears.
The message she read pierced her soul with a dart, It said “I love you mommy,” surrounded by a heart.
Well the wallpaper remained just as she found it, with an empty picture frame hung to surround it.

The book of Proverbs says that life & death are in the power of the tongue. Life is filled with joy when our words are kind & loving but life is filled with pain & strife when they aren’t.

Another thing that can cause misunderstandings is;

3. Preconceived ideas.
This is a matter of a previous mind-set. A good example of this in scripture is the story of Naaman the leper in 2 Kings 5. When this powerful man arrived at Elisha’s house after traveling all the way from Syria to Israel, the prophet sent his servant to tell him to go dip seven times in the river Jordon. Remember Naaman’s words; “behold I thought…….”

Naaman had a very clear misunderstanding of how Elisha would do the healing & was very upset. Naaman almost missed his miracle because of this. He was headed home driving like Jehu when one of his helpers said—“You know Sir, if he’d have asked you to something big you’d have probably done it wouldn’t you Sir?” That very wise statement culminated in one of the greatest miracles in the Old Testament.

A preconceived idea was behind the Jews’ rejection of Jesus as their Messiah. They had expected a Messiah who would lead them in establishing an earthly kingdom, in driving the Romans out of their land & ushering in a period of prosperity. When the Jews saw Jesus, His plan was so far from their plan that all they could do was reject Him. Think about this; all the miracles Jesus did & all His magnificent teachings weren’t enough to overcome their preconceptions.

From time to time the Apostle Paul had to stand before astute men, men of great power & authority. A careful reading of these appearances before judges & magistrates gives us a glimpse into the fact that there were some people who were just unimpressed with Paul or Jesus. The Savior of the world & the greatest Christian who ever lived barely made it onto their radar screens.

In Acts 18, Paul went before Gallio. Gallio wasn’t of a mind-set to spend his precious time making judgments about this Jesus man. It reads like the man was just irritated with the whole thing. Gallio kicked the whole kit-&-caboodle out of his courtroom because he deemed it all too trivial to waste his time on.

Much the same thing happened when Paul went before Agrippa in Acts 25. Here a Roman governor got no more of the essence of who Jesus was than to see it as a dispute whether a man was dead or alive.

What does this mean? To me it means that some people came from such divergent backgrounds they found it difficult to comprehend the teachings of Christ or to even conceive of the importance of this man in the grand scheme of things. In modern day colloquialism, they just “didn’t get the Jesus thing.” Christ to them was “a tempest in a tea-cup.”

WHAT CAN WE DO THE HAVE BETTER COMMUNICATION?
Most people are naturally sensitive & many of us are too sensitive. I can be sitting on the couch with Juda around 4 o’clock & innocently look at my watch & she’ll say-“Dinner will be ready in half an hour.” Sometimes this will happen when the last thing on my mind when I checked my watch was dinner. We can get in the car to go someplace & Juda might do something as simple as just glance around the inside of the car & I might say, “I’ll get the car cleaned up tomorrow.” She often says, “I wasn’t even thinking about that.”

Do you see the nature of the battle? When we consider all our relationships, we’ve got left-brain-right-brain stuff going on. We’ve got divergent backgrounds going on. We’ve got gender differences going on. Some of us might have racial differences going on. We have educational disparity going on. We’ve got generation gaps [our children] to deal with. We’ve got hearing deficits in people we love that’d rather die than admit their hearing isn’t what it used to be. We’ve got people who can “read our minds” to try to work in harmony with. What’s it gonna take to live in happy productive relationships with all this variety? Glad you asked! The first thing is,

HONESTY
If you want to get off on the right foot with others be upfront. Be honest & straightforward from the start. Sometimes when I’m browsing through the men’s section of a department store a salesperson will come up. Very often I’ll say, “I’m not in the mood to buy today, I’m just looking, but I’ll probably be back.” I find many time this takes the pressure off, just telling them how it is; just speaking the truth in a plain, respectful way. [sometimes this doesn’t work.]

TACT
Now I know some folk don’t know the word tact. Diplomacy doesn’t ring any bells with them either. Their tact & diplomacy resembles that of a Bull in a China shop. They have all the tact & refinement of a wrecking ball. I’ve often wondered, if an actual Bull did get loose in an actual China shop & tore it all to pieces, what analogy would we use to describe it? Just a thought.

WISDOM
Wisdom will help us be tactful. Wisdom is promised to us if we’ll just ask God for it. James 1:5. James also said;

But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, & easy to be entreated, full of mercy & good fruit, without partiality, & without hypocrisy. 3:17

LOVE

When people feel loved & cared for it puts everything else in proper perspective. You & I may do lot’s of things wrong, but if we’re motivated by love; big problems or misunderstandings will become small ones.

PRAYER

Jesus found it necessary to pray. Paul requested; brethren, pray for us. In the Bible men would pray & planets would be thrown into reverse. Men would pray & Lions mouths would be locked. Men would pray & prison doors would swing open. Men would pray until oceans & rivers would stand up to allow dry passage. Men would pray & famines & droughts would end. Prayer will bring prodigals home, open blind eyes & raise the sick off their death beds. If you’re wrestling with a problem, don’t stop praying until the answer comes.

God’s phone is Jer333. Jeremiah 33:3 says,

Call upon me & I will answer thee & show thee great & hidden things which thou knowest not. If you & I want to have hidden things revealed to us, we must call on the Lord.

POSITIVENESS

A man & his young son visited a new church one Sunday morning. The father was so negative that day that when he walked out into the Sun, he developed. As they walked back to their car after the service, the father was filled with complaints. The singing was bad, the sermon was boring & the service had lasted too long. Finally the son said, “pretty good show for a dollar though wasn’t it dad?”

Being upbeat with people usually elicits a good response. Sincere appreciation & encouragement are always appreciated.

You’d be surprised how often someone will write me or approach me somewhere & start off like this…… “Brother John, I know you don’t need encouragement- but”…..The idea is, I suppose, [& I’m sure most ministers can relate to this,] that because we carry ourselves with confidence & are never at a lack for words or opinions, that we get a lot of encouragement. The truth is, because of that kind of thinking, many times we get no encouragement. Just food for thought.

Open-mindedness, sensitivity, patience, approachability, a sense of humor, & just being willing to make an effort are other vitally important components in the pathology of dealing with misunderstandings.

Let’s face it; it’s quite common to have tension in relationships because of the realities of heredity, background, experiences, attitudes & values. It’s not the end of the world or for that matter, the end of our relationships if we just admit that there will be times when spouses, neighbors, friends, associates & those in our church will have misunderstandings & we’ll even find ourselves with feelings of estrangement from each other.

One of the world’s biggest problems is man’s inability to get along with his fellowman. Absolute peace & harmony seem to be an illusive dream until we someday find it in another world. The human element; Competition, pettiness, jealousy, & just the nature of man to want his/her own way will make this a certainty.

However, as Christians you & I must realize that God expects us to grow & mature & maintain sweetness in our dispositions especially as we relate to other Christians. Jesus gave an enormous amount of time to laying down His methods of how to resolve conflicts.

We’re told;

Let all bitterness & wrath & anger & clamor & slander be put away from you long with all malice.

It doesn’t take much for one of these cords to begin to fray & our closeness & unity will be the first causality. A home, a church or even a nation that loses its unity forfeits the blessings of God.

Behold how good & how pleasant it is for brothers to dwell together in unity! It is like the precious oil upon the head, coming down upon the beard, Even Aaron’s beard, coming down upon the edges of his robes. It is like the dew of Hermon, coming down upon the mountains of Zion; for there the LORD commanded the blessing—life forever.—Psalm 133


Blessings,


John