By John Stallings
I’ve never been a fan of professional wrestling but I’ve watched it from time to time. One thing I’ve noticed is that the wrestling story lines involve feuds between characters.
At first the feuds are dramatic, but over time they are bound to become a little flat so the powers that be in the wrestling business will let the characters have a “grudge match.” This match is a final contest after which irrespective of the outcome, the feud is to be over so that each character can pursue other areas of development.
Isn’t it interesting how many of us are less adept than professional wrestlers at releasing ourselves from the bondage of our grudges?
There’s a common theme running through the Old testament against things going on & on for unspecified periods of time? Every forty-ninth or seventh-seventh year was to be a Jubilee year. Debts were cancelled, property was returned to the original owners & prisoners were released. Suffice to say in God’s eyes, things are not meant to go on & on without end.
In Leviticus 19:28 there’s a commandment against permanently marking the flesh. It’s from this passage that we get the law forbidding tattoos.
One definition of a grudge is “a cherished dislike.” Isn’t that interesting? Cherished dislike! It makes sense to cherish something you like, such as your spouse, your children & your friends, but when a person cherishes something they don’t like, something strange is going on.
To cherish a dislike is most definitely an oxymoron; words that don’t seem to belong together. To cherish a dislike is like getting an injury, & being unwilling to let it heal. And people who have a wound they cherish are like time bombs; if you touch that wound they explode. Certain subjects or issues set them off.
AHITHOPHEL HAS A CHERISHED DISLIKE
Ahithophel was a good friend to King David. It would be more accurate to say he started off being David’s friend. David speaks of him years later in Psalm 41:9 & 55:12-14 when telling of a good & precious & trusted friend who betrayed him. Yes, that friend was none other than Ahithophel. Under normal circumstances he seemed nice enough, very bright, and very friendly but he was wound up tighter than a clock. He was ready to explode.
Ahithophel was a wise man, but there was a part of his life where he was very unwise. Even wise people can do some really crazy things. I think Ahithophel is about to teach us that you can’t tell a book by its cover.
The Bible says in 2 Samuel 16:23 that the advice of Ahithopel was like that of one who inquires of God. Isn’t that fantastic? When it came to judgment in most things it was like you were talking to God. How would you like that said about you? “When you get counsel from Joe, it’s like asking God?” “When you get advice from Jane it’s like getting advice from God.”
Ahithopel was one smart motor scooter. In 1 Chronicles 27:33 we read that Ahithopel was the king’s counselor. That meant when the king had a problem he’d call for him. He had access to the palace, & to King David. Think Henry Kissinger or James Baker.
Anytime you wanted good information ask Ahithopel. But as wise as Ahithopel was, he was loaded with explosives, ready to blow at any minute. He was a time bomb & he was carrying a grudge. He was full of bitterness, anger & hostility because of an experience that he had that he wasn’t able to get over.
What was the grudge he was carrying? What’s the grudge you’re carrying? Is there something in your life that’s building up to an explosion? Is there a subject or a person that if someone mentions it will set you off? Maybe it’s some injury or some wrong inflicted on you. Is there a thing or a person in your life that “sets you off?”
Well, let’s see what set Ahithopel off. You will remember the story when Absalom rebelled against David. You can read about it in 2 Samuel 15:2-4. The Bible said he stole the hearts of the men of Israel. Absalom would stand by the side of the road leading to the city gates of Jerusalem. Whenever anyone came with a complaint to be placed before the king for a decision, Absalom would call out to him, telling the person there was no one to hear them & add that if he were appointed judge in the land he’d see that everyone got justice.
Absalom was very cleverly stealing the hearts of the people. It’s easy to curry favor when you don’t have the responsibility or authority for it isn’t it? “Well I would help you; I’d do this or that for you if I could.” So he stole the hearts of the people. Absalom did this for four years in Jerusalem, right under his father, King David’s nose. Absalom came back into Jerusalem after he had the experience of killing his step-brother Amnon, who had raped his sister Tamer.
Then there were four years of winning the people & ingratiating himself to everyone. Absalom wants to be king of Israel so he goes up to Hebron & starts a rebellion. He gathered an army & was organizing a cabinet. He was reaching out to everyone who’d support him & getting ready to march on Jerusalem.
Absalom asked Ahithopel to join him, but how could he do that? Ahithopel was too wise for that & had been serving in David’s cabinet for too long. But Absalom reached right into David’s cabinet & got Ahithophel to join the rebellion. Because of that his rebellion gained strength. Because Absalom was able to attract some of David’s counselors everybody else began to think, “Well I guess we’d better get on the right side of this. You know Ahithopel; who when you ask of him it’s like asking God, & he’s joined the conspiracy. Apparently we should join too.” And the conspiracy gained strength.
How could this smart man Ahithopel get involved in all this ugly insurrection? Certainly he was smart enough to know this rebellion wasn’t a sure thing. But Absalom knew something about Ahithopel; he knew the dirty little secret that made him radioactive. Over the four years in Jerusalem he had opportunity to talk & commiserate with people & he got close enough to Ahithophel to learn he was carrying a grudge, a very heavy grudge & cherished dislike about David.
This grudge was the thing that caused Ahithophel to be not only willing but eager to abandon David. What was this grudge? What would cause Ahithopel to abandon his long-time friend David? 2 Samuel 23:34 gives a list of David’s mighty men & it mentions Eliam, the son of Ahithophel. So we find Ahithophel had a son named Eliam. So what?
Let’s look at David’s sin with Bathsheba & make a few connections. Are you ready? Ahithophel had a son named Eliam. Eliam had a daughter named Bathsheba. Bathsheba had been stolen by David & her husband had been killed by David. Here’s the grudge; Bathsheba was Ahithophel’s grand-daughter.
Bathsheba had most likely forgiven David, & maybe Elaim Bathsheba’s father had forgiven David. We know God had forgiven David but Ahithophel; Bathsheba’s grandfather never forgave David. He carried a grudge for years & years & it festered in him until it finally exploded when he had opportunity in Absolam’s rebellion to abandon David. Absalom was estranged from his father David & Ahithophel sought to drive the wedge further in & use it to foment rebellion.
We know what happened next. Absalom marched on Jerusalem & chased David out. After David had fled, Absalom asked Ahithophel what to do next & Ahithophel’s advice was—“Sleep with your fathers concubines.” Ahithophel knew if Absalom did something like that it would be a supreme insult to David & in all likelihood he’d never be united with his father. His next advice was to use twelve thousand men & march against David immediately.
Instead of following Ahithophel’s advice Absalom decided to ask someone else. It was Hushai, David’s friend who had stayed behind to frustrate the council of Ahithophel. Hushai won Absalom’s confidence & gave him advice that in the end would allow David to be warned of what’s about to take place & David is spared. All the men of Absalom said that the advice of Hushai was better than the advice of Ahithophel. Hushai’s advice appealed to Absalom’s ego better anyway but it ended the career of Ahithophel. It was also the end of Ahithephel because when he heard his advice hadn’t been followed he went home, set his business affairs in order & hanged himself.
As you can see this story is fraught with collateral damage. Ahithephel’s life is truly a tragic one & is a testimony to what carrying a grudge can do.
In reality, the grudge we’re carrying doesn’t hurt the person we’re seeking to injure, it only hurts ourselves. Holding a grudge is like drinking poison hoping someone else will die. Forgiveness isn’t something we bestow on others who come asking us for it, it’s something we bestow freely on others for if we don’t it comes back like a boomerang to cut out our hearts.
TO SAY THE LEAST, GRUDGEVILLE IS A MISERABLE PLACE TO LIVE.
A while back I read the story about a man who has been picketing a Catholic church in Massachusetts for quite some time with a sign that reads; -- A pedophile priest ruined my life.”
I can’t really relate to the sexual abuse that man suffered, & I’m in no way judging him, however something in me recoils when someone is so quick to let the actions of others, no matter how dastardly, take away their desire to overcome in life.
Sexual abuse is a terrible, life wrenching experience & I share the anger & outrage at the injustice of it. I can understand him standing in all kinds of weather to sound the alarm about what heinous crimes are being committed against the innocent. I know that many victims of childhood abuse spend decades struggling to liberate themselves from the damage inflicted on them.
In spite of this deep & early wounding, surely this person shouldn’t be doomed to the garbage heap of humanity because of what this evil priest did all those many years ago. A human being made in the image of God, is capable of astounding resilience & recovery by the grace of God.
Why be a victim of what this or any injustice did to you & let it rob you of the life God has planned for you when you can look to Jesus Christ, who took stripes for our healing, was murdered by cruel hands & has promised to restore our lives through faith in Him & His death on the cross.
God understands all we’ve gone through & no matter what injustices we’ve suffered we can find hope in trusting Him for a brand new life full of possibility, purpose & joy.
I’ll be the first to say life has been good to me & although I’ve had hurts & disappoints, I’ve never had the sense of victimization some have experienced. That said, it saddens me when I see people defining their lives by the terrible things that happened to them long ago instead of focusing on the possibilities of a new life available to them through Christ.
While I understand where people are coming from when they say, “I’m an adult survivor of an alcoholic parent,” or “I survived the Oklahoma Federal building bombing” or “the twin tower attack in New York on September 11th,” to me it’s unhealthy to define our very lives in terms of terrible events that have damaged us in the past when we there’s so much God-given life to be lived.
Please don’t misunderstand me here; if an individual has been deeply hurt by a tragedy, event or relationship, to try to pretend they weren’t really hurt, is like putting a dirty old bandage over a gaping wound. The bleeding will continue & no healing occurs. But when we hold on to grudges or unforgiveness as a way of punishing those who’ve wronged us, in reality the only one we really succeed in diminishing is ourselves.
A forgiveness study conducted at Hope College in Holland, Michigan, had the following findings;
“Seventy-one subjects were measured for heart-rate, blood-pressure & stress levels, & asked to think about people who had lied, insulted or rejected them. The test subjects were given a choice: imagine holding the grudge, or forgiving the offender. The results were that forgivers had lower heart rates & blood pressure & felt calmer & more in control. Holding grudges led to higher stress levels & greater feelings of anger & sadness.”
Thomas Hartman, who is a counselor for parents whose children have been murdered or killed by drunk drivers, says “eventually the parents who survive well learn to move on & let go of their extreme anger. There is room for anger, but the very critical question is,--how long do you want to live this way? The reality is that the people who stay there, drenched in their anger, never grow.”
But by claiming the promise—therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things have passed away; behold all things are become new….2 Cor.5:17—you can be touched & restored by Christ in the most intimate areas of your life, be made whole & move forward to newness. Forgiveness is first & foremost a gift to ourselves.
THERE’S ONLY SO MUCH ROOM IN THE HUMAN HEART.
If all your heartspace is taken up with a collection of unforgiven hurts, unprocessed anger & bitter resentments that you never managed to clear out through forgiveness, then your heartspace is all occupied, unavailable when the good things come along. Yes, we can move through life, skipping this unforgiveness part, carrying the cargo of unforgiven hurts; of course we can. But it will cost us. It will cost energy, joy, & freedom & love to keep carrying all that junk. And it may very well cost our life.
A CASE STUDY IN HOW FORGIVENESS SHOULD OPERATE.
Philemon is a unique little book. It’s one of the shortest books in the New Testament. Even though the word forgiveness is never mentioned, this book truly fleshes out the subject beautifully.
But reading Philemon is a little like walking into the middle of a movie & having to figure out the characters & plot & then leaving before the end.
I’d like to take a stab at sharing what’s going on in this book.
There are three characters; a runaway slave, an offended slave owner & a godly apostle. The slaves name is Onesimus & he’d run away from his master & fled to Rome. Rome was a hot-bed for runaway slaves because they could get lost in the crowd.
But somehow in Rome Onesimus came in contact with the apostle Paul & became a Christian.
The second character is Philemon, the Christian slave owner. The system of slavery in those days was different than what we think of as slavery. At its best it was a type of employment for a set period of time. The slaves theoretically were like employees & enjoyed a fairly good standard of living.
Many became like family members & some could eventually purchase their freedom. Roman slavery had similarities to our system of employment but abuses developed.
At the time Onesimus ran away from Philemon most slavery had become unconscionable & slaves were protected by no laws. In the first century an owner could do as he liked with a slave so slaves running away would be branded, flogged or even killed.
Philemon would have expected to at least give Onesimus a beating he’d never forget. So you have the awkward situation of a Christian slave owner whose runaway slave had become a Christian. For Philemon to refuse to forgive Onesimus would be in inconsistent with how he himself had been forgiven by Christ.
LET’S LOOK AT SOME PRINCIPLES OF FORGIVENESS PHILEMON GIVES US
The first principle in forgiving someone is to change our thoughts toward the individual. The way we think determines the way we feel so if we’re to change the way we feel about another person we have to change the way we think about them.
When Paul writes to Philemon to convince him to show kindness to Onesimus he says, “I think of him as my own son….Phil.1:10 NLT.
Paul says in essence; --Perhaps the reason he was separated from you for a little while was that you might have him back for good no longer as a slave as a dear brother.” 1:15-16.
Philemon was asked to think differently toward Onesimus by no longer seeing him as a slave but as a new brother in Christ, to recognize that God used what happened to bring glory to Himself.
I once had a man in a church I pastored to angrily confront me in front of the whole church in a business meeting. His tone of voice & his words left little doubt of his feelings about something the church had voted to do. It was my first church, in fact it was my first business meeting & I have to tell you I was quite unnerved there for awhile.
I was blessed to be able to move on with the meeting but my next challenge was to forgive the man for doing & saying things that everyone agreed was egregious. Truthfully I didn’t feel like forgiving him. I asked God to help me in my thinking toward the man. I began to pray for him, not so much because I wanted to but because I knew I had to obey God in the matter.
Slowly my thoughts began to change & instead of feeling sorry for myself I started to see the man in a different light. I actually started to feel compassion for him he was so obviously confused.
The man left the church for a few months but then one day he came back & he acted as if nothing had happened. I walked up to him after the service & shook his hand & greeted him & thankfully there was no show-down or ugly scene. We both left church that day knowing time & prayer had taken care of it & I knew I’d forgiven him.
There also must be acceptance of the offending person & a path must be cleared for reconciliation. Paul tells Philemon, “So if you consider me a partner, welcome him as you’d welcome me.”---1:17. To accept someone who’s wronged you, you must refuse to hold a grudge. Don’t allow resentment to take hold & never seek to retaliate. Remember, Philemon could have beaten or even killed Onesimus but Paul is asking him not to retaliate or punish him. Luke 6:33-36.
Never bring up past wrongs, let them die. God never brings up our wrongs & never reminds us of the hurts we’ve knowingly or unknowingly inflicted on other people. Paul tells Philemon, “If he has done you wrong in any way or owes you anything, charge it to me.” Phil.1:18
But this isn’t a “pie-in-the-sky” cure-all. We’ll still have to face our anger over the situation from time to time. True forgiveness doesn’t ask us to excuse the sin against us & if the offense was real it can’t just be swept under the rug. I’ve learned that forgiveness is often a process & we must walk in each day. You might even have to deal with the damage done by the person.
I forgave the man in my church but I still had to deal with some problems he caused. I also knew that he’d be on proving ground with me for some time insofar as being leadership material, absent a lot of growth & maturity.
You can forgive a person who let your child be injured while in their care but that doesn’t mean you put him in charge of children again. It’s likely you’ll have to make changes in the way you relate to the person you’ve forgiven but still forgive fully & completely but also realistically, considering whatever damage that’s been done.
Only heaven will reveal what finally happened with Philemon & Onesimus but since this story was placed in the Bible, to me that indicates in all probability Philemon & Onesimus ultimately worked things out amicably & in a civil Christian manner.
If Philemon forgave Onesimus the one who benefited most wasn’t the forgiven but the one who forgave. If you want to experience the eternal blessings that come to the one who forgives, follow the principles of forgiveness outlined in this little letter Paul wrote to Philemon.
Lay all grudges & unforgiveness aside for the longer you carry them the bigger & heavier they become. Then your heart will be set free & you’ll know unspeakable joy that will more than compensate for every sacrifice you’ve made.
Blessings,
John
I’ve never been a fan of professional wrestling but I’ve watched it from time to time. One thing I’ve noticed is that the wrestling story lines involve feuds between characters.
At first the feuds are dramatic, but over time they are bound to become a little flat so the powers that be in the wrestling business will let the characters have a “grudge match.” This match is a final contest after which irrespective of the outcome, the feud is to be over so that each character can pursue other areas of development.
Isn’t it interesting how many of us are less adept than professional wrestlers at releasing ourselves from the bondage of our grudges?
There’s a common theme running through the Old testament against things going on & on for unspecified periods of time? Every forty-ninth or seventh-seventh year was to be a Jubilee year. Debts were cancelled, property was returned to the original owners & prisoners were released. Suffice to say in God’s eyes, things are not meant to go on & on without end.
In Leviticus 19:28 there’s a commandment against permanently marking the flesh. It’s from this passage that we get the law forbidding tattoos.
One definition of a grudge is “a cherished dislike.” Isn’t that interesting? Cherished dislike! It makes sense to cherish something you like, such as your spouse, your children & your friends, but when a person cherishes something they don’t like, something strange is going on.
To cherish a dislike is most definitely an oxymoron; words that don’t seem to belong together. To cherish a dislike is like getting an injury, & being unwilling to let it heal. And people who have a wound they cherish are like time bombs; if you touch that wound they explode. Certain subjects or issues set them off.
AHITHOPHEL HAS A CHERISHED DISLIKE
Ahithophel was a good friend to King David. It would be more accurate to say he started off being David’s friend. David speaks of him years later in Psalm 41:9 & 55:12-14 when telling of a good & precious & trusted friend who betrayed him. Yes, that friend was none other than Ahithophel. Under normal circumstances he seemed nice enough, very bright, and very friendly but he was wound up tighter than a clock. He was ready to explode.
Ahithophel was a wise man, but there was a part of his life where he was very unwise. Even wise people can do some really crazy things. I think Ahithophel is about to teach us that you can’t tell a book by its cover.
The Bible says in 2 Samuel 16:23 that the advice of Ahithopel was like that of one who inquires of God. Isn’t that fantastic? When it came to judgment in most things it was like you were talking to God. How would you like that said about you? “When you get counsel from Joe, it’s like asking God?” “When you get advice from Jane it’s like getting advice from God.”
Ahithopel was one smart motor scooter. In 1 Chronicles 27:33 we read that Ahithopel was the king’s counselor. That meant when the king had a problem he’d call for him. He had access to the palace, & to King David. Think Henry Kissinger or James Baker.
Anytime you wanted good information ask Ahithopel. But as wise as Ahithopel was, he was loaded with explosives, ready to blow at any minute. He was a time bomb & he was carrying a grudge. He was full of bitterness, anger & hostility because of an experience that he had that he wasn’t able to get over.
What was the grudge he was carrying? What’s the grudge you’re carrying? Is there something in your life that’s building up to an explosion? Is there a subject or a person that if someone mentions it will set you off? Maybe it’s some injury or some wrong inflicted on you. Is there a thing or a person in your life that “sets you off?”
Well, let’s see what set Ahithopel off. You will remember the story when Absalom rebelled against David. You can read about it in 2 Samuel 15:2-4. The Bible said he stole the hearts of the men of Israel. Absalom would stand by the side of the road leading to the city gates of Jerusalem. Whenever anyone came with a complaint to be placed before the king for a decision, Absalom would call out to him, telling the person there was no one to hear them & add that if he were appointed judge in the land he’d see that everyone got justice.
Absalom was very cleverly stealing the hearts of the people. It’s easy to curry favor when you don’t have the responsibility or authority for it isn’t it? “Well I would help you; I’d do this or that for you if I could.” So he stole the hearts of the people. Absalom did this for four years in Jerusalem, right under his father, King David’s nose. Absalom came back into Jerusalem after he had the experience of killing his step-brother Amnon, who had raped his sister Tamer.
Then there were four years of winning the people & ingratiating himself to everyone. Absalom wants to be king of Israel so he goes up to Hebron & starts a rebellion. He gathered an army & was organizing a cabinet. He was reaching out to everyone who’d support him & getting ready to march on Jerusalem.
Absalom asked Ahithopel to join him, but how could he do that? Ahithopel was too wise for that & had been serving in David’s cabinet for too long. But Absalom reached right into David’s cabinet & got Ahithophel to join the rebellion. Because of that his rebellion gained strength. Because Absalom was able to attract some of David’s counselors everybody else began to think, “Well I guess we’d better get on the right side of this. You know Ahithopel; who when you ask of him it’s like asking God, & he’s joined the conspiracy. Apparently we should join too.” And the conspiracy gained strength.
How could this smart man Ahithopel get involved in all this ugly insurrection? Certainly he was smart enough to know this rebellion wasn’t a sure thing. But Absalom knew something about Ahithopel; he knew the dirty little secret that made him radioactive. Over the four years in Jerusalem he had opportunity to talk & commiserate with people & he got close enough to Ahithophel to learn he was carrying a grudge, a very heavy grudge & cherished dislike about David.
This grudge was the thing that caused Ahithophel to be not only willing but eager to abandon David. What was this grudge? What would cause Ahithopel to abandon his long-time friend David? 2 Samuel 23:34 gives a list of David’s mighty men & it mentions Eliam, the son of Ahithophel. So we find Ahithophel had a son named Eliam. So what?
Let’s look at David’s sin with Bathsheba & make a few connections. Are you ready? Ahithophel had a son named Eliam. Eliam had a daughter named Bathsheba. Bathsheba had been stolen by David & her husband had been killed by David. Here’s the grudge; Bathsheba was Ahithophel’s grand-daughter.
Bathsheba had most likely forgiven David, & maybe Elaim Bathsheba’s father had forgiven David. We know God had forgiven David but Ahithophel; Bathsheba’s grandfather never forgave David. He carried a grudge for years & years & it festered in him until it finally exploded when he had opportunity in Absolam’s rebellion to abandon David. Absalom was estranged from his father David & Ahithophel sought to drive the wedge further in & use it to foment rebellion.
We know what happened next. Absalom marched on Jerusalem & chased David out. After David had fled, Absalom asked Ahithophel what to do next & Ahithophel’s advice was—“Sleep with your fathers concubines.” Ahithophel knew if Absalom did something like that it would be a supreme insult to David & in all likelihood he’d never be united with his father. His next advice was to use twelve thousand men & march against David immediately.
Instead of following Ahithophel’s advice Absalom decided to ask someone else. It was Hushai, David’s friend who had stayed behind to frustrate the council of Ahithophel. Hushai won Absalom’s confidence & gave him advice that in the end would allow David to be warned of what’s about to take place & David is spared. All the men of Absalom said that the advice of Hushai was better than the advice of Ahithophel. Hushai’s advice appealed to Absalom’s ego better anyway but it ended the career of Ahithophel. It was also the end of Ahithephel because when he heard his advice hadn’t been followed he went home, set his business affairs in order & hanged himself.
As you can see this story is fraught with collateral damage. Ahithephel’s life is truly a tragic one & is a testimony to what carrying a grudge can do.
In reality, the grudge we’re carrying doesn’t hurt the person we’re seeking to injure, it only hurts ourselves. Holding a grudge is like drinking poison hoping someone else will die. Forgiveness isn’t something we bestow on others who come asking us for it, it’s something we bestow freely on others for if we don’t it comes back like a boomerang to cut out our hearts.
TO SAY THE LEAST, GRUDGEVILLE IS A MISERABLE PLACE TO LIVE.
A while back I read the story about a man who has been picketing a Catholic church in Massachusetts for quite some time with a sign that reads; -- A pedophile priest ruined my life.”
I can’t really relate to the sexual abuse that man suffered, & I’m in no way judging him, however something in me recoils when someone is so quick to let the actions of others, no matter how dastardly, take away their desire to overcome in life.
Sexual abuse is a terrible, life wrenching experience & I share the anger & outrage at the injustice of it. I can understand him standing in all kinds of weather to sound the alarm about what heinous crimes are being committed against the innocent. I know that many victims of childhood abuse spend decades struggling to liberate themselves from the damage inflicted on them.
In spite of this deep & early wounding, surely this person shouldn’t be doomed to the garbage heap of humanity because of what this evil priest did all those many years ago. A human being made in the image of God, is capable of astounding resilience & recovery by the grace of God.
Why be a victim of what this or any injustice did to you & let it rob you of the life God has planned for you when you can look to Jesus Christ, who took stripes for our healing, was murdered by cruel hands & has promised to restore our lives through faith in Him & His death on the cross.
God understands all we’ve gone through & no matter what injustices we’ve suffered we can find hope in trusting Him for a brand new life full of possibility, purpose & joy.
I’ll be the first to say life has been good to me & although I’ve had hurts & disappoints, I’ve never had the sense of victimization some have experienced. That said, it saddens me when I see people defining their lives by the terrible things that happened to them long ago instead of focusing on the possibilities of a new life available to them through Christ.
While I understand where people are coming from when they say, “I’m an adult survivor of an alcoholic parent,” or “I survived the Oklahoma Federal building bombing” or “the twin tower attack in New York on September 11th,” to me it’s unhealthy to define our very lives in terms of terrible events that have damaged us in the past when we there’s so much God-given life to be lived.
Please don’t misunderstand me here; if an individual has been deeply hurt by a tragedy, event or relationship, to try to pretend they weren’t really hurt, is like putting a dirty old bandage over a gaping wound. The bleeding will continue & no healing occurs. But when we hold on to grudges or unforgiveness as a way of punishing those who’ve wronged us, in reality the only one we really succeed in diminishing is ourselves.
A forgiveness study conducted at Hope College in Holland, Michigan, had the following findings;
“Seventy-one subjects were measured for heart-rate, blood-pressure & stress levels, & asked to think about people who had lied, insulted or rejected them. The test subjects were given a choice: imagine holding the grudge, or forgiving the offender. The results were that forgivers had lower heart rates & blood pressure & felt calmer & more in control. Holding grudges led to higher stress levels & greater feelings of anger & sadness.”
Thomas Hartman, who is a counselor for parents whose children have been murdered or killed by drunk drivers, says “eventually the parents who survive well learn to move on & let go of their extreme anger. There is room for anger, but the very critical question is,--how long do you want to live this way? The reality is that the people who stay there, drenched in their anger, never grow.”
But by claiming the promise—therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things have passed away; behold all things are become new….2 Cor.5:17—you can be touched & restored by Christ in the most intimate areas of your life, be made whole & move forward to newness. Forgiveness is first & foremost a gift to ourselves.
THERE’S ONLY SO MUCH ROOM IN THE HUMAN HEART.
If all your heartspace is taken up with a collection of unforgiven hurts, unprocessed anger & bitter resentments that you never managed to clear out through forgiveness, then your heartspace is all occupied, unavailable when the good things come along. Yes, we can move through life, skipping this unforgiveness part, carrying the cargo of unforgiven hurts; of course we can. But it will cost us. It will cost energy, joy, & freedom & love to keep carrying all that junk. And it may very well cost our life.
A CASE STUDY IN HOW FORGIVENESS SHOULD OPERATE.
Philemon is a unique little book. It’s one of the shortest books in the New Testament. Even though the word forgiveness is never mentioned, this book truly fleshes out the subject beautifully.
But reading Philemon is a little like walking into the middle of a movie & having to figure out the characters & plot & then leaving before the end.
I’d like to take a stab at sharing what’s going on in this book.
There are three characters; a runaway slave, an offended slave owner & a godly apostle. The slaves name is Onesimus & he’d run away from his master & fled to Rome. Rome was a hot-bed for runaway slaves because they could get lost in the crowd.
But somehow in Rome Onesimus came in contact with the apostle Paul & became a Christian.
The second character is Philemon, the Christian slave owner. The system of slavery in those days was different than what we think of as slavery. At its best it was a type of employment for a set period of time. The slaves theoretically were like employees & enjoyed a fairly good standard of living.
Many became like family members & some could eventually purchase their freedom. Roman slavery had similarities to our system of employment but abuses developed.
At the time Onesimus ran away from Philemon most slavery had become unconscionable & slaves were protected by no laws. In the first century an owner could do as he liked with a slave so slaves running away would be branded, flogged or even killed.
Philemon would have expected to at least give Onesimus a beating he’d never forget. So you have the awkward situation of a Christian slave owner whose runaway slave had become a Christian. For Philemon to refuse to forgive Onesimus would be in inconsistent with how he himself had been forgiven by Christ.
LET’S LOOK AT SOME PRINCIPLES OF FORGIVENESS PHILEMON GIVES US
The first principle in forgiving someone is to change our thoughts toward the individual. The way we think determines the way we feel so if we’re to change the way we feel about another person we have to change the way we think about them.
When Paul writes to Philemon to convince him to show kindness to Onesimus he says, “I think of him as my own son….Phil.1:10 NLT.
Paul says in essence; --Perhaps the reason he was separated from you for a little while was that you might have him back for good no longer as a slave as a dear brother.” 1:15-16.
Philemon was asked to think differently toward Onesimus by no longer seeing him as a slave but as a new brother in Christ, to recognize that God used what happened to bring glory to Himself.
I once had a man in a church I pastored to angrily confront me in front of the whole church in a business meeting. His tone of voice & his words left little doubt of his feelings about something the church had voted to do. It was my first church, in fact it was my first business meeting & I have to tell you I was quite unnerved there for awhile.
I was blessed to be able to move on with the meeting but my next challenge was to forgive the man for doing & saying things that everyone agreed was egregious. Truthfully I didn’t feel like forgiving him. I asked God to help me in my thinking toward the man. I began to pray for him, not so much because I wanted to but because I knew I had to obey God in the matter.
Slowly my thoughts began to change & instead of feeling sorry for myself I started to see the man in a different light. I actually started to feel compassion for him he was so obviously confused.
The man left the church for a few months but then one day he came back & he acted as if nothing had happened. I walked up to him after the service & shook his hand & greeted him & thankfully there was no show-down or ugly scene. We both left church that day knowing time & prayer had taken care of it & I knew I’d forgiven him.
There also must be acceptance of the offending person & a path must be cleared for reconciliation. Paul tells Philemon, “So if you consider me a partner, welcome him as you’d welcome me.”---1:17. To accept someone who’s wronged you, you must refuse to hold a grudge. Don’t allow resentment to take hold & never seek to retaliate. Remember, Philemon could have beaten or even killed Onesimus but Paul is asking him not to retaliate or punish him. Luke 6:33-36.
Never bring up past wrongs, let them die. God never brings up our wrongs & never reminds us of the hurts we’ve knowingly or unknowingly inflicted on other people. Paul tells Philemon, “If he has done you wrong in any way or owes you anything, charge it to me.” Phil.1:18
But this isn’t a “pie-in-the-sky” cure-all. We’ll still have to face our anger over the situation from time to time. True forgiveness doesn’t ask us to excuse the sin against us & if the offense was real it can’t just be swept under the rug. I’ve learned that forgiveness is often a process & we must walk in each day. You might even have to deal with the damage done by the person.
I forgave the man in my church but I still had to deal with some problems he caused. I also knew that he’d be on proving ground with me for some time insofar as being leadership material, absent a lot of growth & maturity.
You can forgive a person who let your child be injured while in their care but that doesn’t mean you put him in charge of children again. It’s likely you’ll have to make changes in the way you relate to the person you’ve forgiven but still forgive fully & completely but also realistically, considering whatever damage that’s been done.
Only heaven will reveal what finally happened with Philemon & Onesimus but since this story was placed in the Bible, to me that indicates in all probability Philemon & Onesimus ultimately worked things out amicably & in a civil Christian manner.
If Philemon forgave Onesimus the one who benefited most wasn’t the forgiven but the one who forgave. If you want to experience the eternal blessings that come to the one who forgives, follow the principles of forgiveness outlined in this little letter Paul wrote to Philemon.
Lay all grudges & unforgiveness aside for the longer you carry them the bigger & heavier they become. Then your heart will be set free & you’ll know unspeakable joy that will more than compensate for every sacrifice you’ve made.
Blessings,
John
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