Pastoral search report



Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. There’s a bad story out that they enjoyed nude walking in the woods.

Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years—no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.

Abraham: Though there was a wife-swapping story making the rounds, he never actually slept with another man’s wife. But he did offer to share his wife with another man.

Joseph: Big thinker-big dreamer—has a prison record.

Moses: A modest & meek man but poor communication skills—even sometimes stutters.

David: He looked good until an ugly affair was uncovered with his neighbor’s wife.

Solomon: great preacher but parsonage would never hold all his wives.

Elijah: Prone to panic attacks, depression & breaks under pressure.

Elisha: Reported to have lived with a widow at his former church.

Hosea: A tender, loving pastor but our people would blow a fuse when they heard his wife’s occupation.

Deborah: Female

Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, & reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.

Isaiah: Very iffy-on the fringe; Claims to have seen angels in the church.

Jonah: Refused God’s call into ministry until forced to obey by getting swallowed by a big fish. Half way through his conversation telling us about getting spit up on the shore we hung up.

Amos: Too backward & unpolished. With some seminary training he might have some promise. Has a hang-up about wealthy people & would fit better in a poor congregation.

John: Says he’s a Baptist but doesn’t dress like one. Strange eater, slept outdoors for months on end, provokes denominational leaders.

Paul: Powerful CEO type leader & fascinating preacher & raconteur. Short on tact, tough on young ministers, harsh & has been known to preach all night.

Jesus: Has had popular times, but once when His church grew to 5,000 He managed to offend them all, dwindling His church down to twelve. Seldom stays in one place long. And of course He’s single.

Judas: Solid references. A steady plodder, conservative. Good connections; Knows how to handle money. We’re inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.



This isn't original with me though I rewrote it a bit. If I knew who to give credit to I would.

John