Our Unkind Culture

By John Stallings


Two brothers had a dog that was a loyal, faithful member of the household for 13 years; but the pet’s health had deteriorated so much that the only kind thing to do was to put her down.

The family agonized over having to do that. They postponed the day repeatedly. Eventually one of the brothers decided to take the dog to the vet. As he drove to the vet’s office, the dog crawled up on the seat, and put her head on his lap. It was really difficult to take her into the office.

After the vet put her to sleep, he went back out to the parking lot and sat for a long while before he returned to work. He and his brother worked together. When he walked into the office, his brother asked where he’d been. After telling what had happened, his brother said, “You paid a vet to put the dog to sleep? You should have brought that dog to me. I would have knocked it over the head and taken care of it—no problem”

Two brothers with the same parents and similar upbringing, but one is tenderhearted and the other is callous and insensitive in spirit. Some might say this is all about temperament, but I believe it goes much deeper than that. I believe we’re in the realm of the spirit of a person and what they are at the heart/core of their being.

The heart is used in Scripture as the term for the authentic person. It is the part of our being where we desire, deliberate, and decide. It has been described as the place of conscious and decisive spiritual activity.

TRY A LITTLE TENDERNESS

I believe that every gospel song [successful gospel song] if the words were read would qualify as a mini- sermon.

However, when we move from the realm of gospel music things can get dicey and sadly much music being written these days IMHO isn’t worth hearing.

Of course there are exceptions.

“Try a little tenderness” is a love song written by Irving King and Harry Woods way back in 1932. It was the 1966 version by the late Otis Redding that many of my generation came to know.

Though obviously not a religious song, it has some lines describing romantic love that can knock you off your feet.

People these days for the most part, are so unaccustomed to simple acts of kindness that they don’t know one when it bites their nose. Kindness and tenderness I’m afraid are not fashionable.

Millions never receive a kind or tender word through-out their lives and are never on the receiving end of kindness. Consequently, they never show kindness to anyone else.

THE UNKIND CULTURE IS EVERYWHERE.

It seems that the only criteria for hiring a person to serve the public is to able to fog a mirror. If they're alive they get the job. There's nothing in their training that requires more than working a scanner and the cash register.

I think one of the factors when it comes to the approaching “extinction” of kindness is the fact that our world is becoming much more impersonal.

Store employees will ignore us as we enter the store or restaurant and wait in line waiting to be served.Road rage drivers cut us off, co-workers are almost impossible to work with and never offer a kind word, and families are less than patient when we're late because we got caught in traffic. Children become violent on the playground at the drop of a hat, pro-athletes, not content to win-but must taunt the vanquished, politicians who trash-talk their opponents. We see this all the time.

And these difficult economic days aren't making this any better. If we thought kindness and tenderness were in short supply a few years ago-it's not exactly making a comeback in these challenging times. And yet now would be a really appropriate time for us to lighten up on one another.

When it comes to calling a utility company or a store—or even a church for that matter—more and more often we get these very impersonal phone trees. Computers answer and say, “If you want information about this push #1,” etc. Can you imagine what would happen if they did this to the 911 system? “If your emergency is a murder, push ‘1.’ If it is a burglary, push ‘2.’ If the burglar is still in the house, push ‘3.’ If he has a gun, push ‘4’ repeatedly...’”

The following, to me is the sweetest sentence in the Bible;

Ephesians 4:32, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

IMHO if this little verse was properly understood and emulated, it would totally revolutionize most all our relationships.

Far too often, we are just not very kind to the people with whom we deal. I sometimes think that we show more common courtesy and kindness to the general public than we do with our own families. Too often the home is the place where we are loved the most, treated the best and act the worst. We give ourselves permission to be mean, hateful, rude, impatient, selfish, unsympathetic, hostile, oppressive and even cruel to those who love us the most.

The real you is not that person that comes to church on Sunday, dressed in their Sunday best. The real you [and me] is often wearing a disguise in public. The real you is the one your wife knows, or your children, or your parents. And, too often, the real you, is not a kind person.

An elderly woman is struggling with luggage or packages, and a steady stream of able-bodied people pass her by. Some even scowl and say, “Get a move on, Granny.” And then a tenderhearted person happens along and takes time to help her out.

I agree with the little girl who prayed, “O God, make all the bad people good, and make all the good people nice.”

As a boy, I used to admire intelligent and rich people. But I will tell you that the older I get the people that I admire are the kind people. They do much more for my spirit than the rich people. They do more for me than the geniuses. I like the kind people. And I have a feeling God does too.
MARRIAGE DESTROYED WITH WORDS

The Bible almost always describes romantic love from the male's perspective. We're told that Isaac loved Rebecca, Jacob loved Rachel, and Samson loved Delilah.

In the entire Bible, there is only one woman whose love for a man is recorded. And here it is;
I Samuel 18:20 - Now Michal, Saul's daughter, loved David...

Michal's father Saul, afraid that David would take the throne of Israel plotted to kill him. Michal helped David escape by lowering him from a window. She then confused Saul's hired assassins by placing a human image, topped with hair and dressed in clothes, in David's bed. You may remember the story from I Samuel, chapter 19. By the time the would-be killers realized Michal's ruse, her beloved was far away; and David escaped.

Although the Bible never reports that David reciprocated Michal's love, we do know that he risked his life in one-on-one battle with 200 Philistines for her hand in marriage.
That's in ISamuel 18:25-29.

Thus Saul saw and knew that the Lord was with David, and that Michal, Saul's daughter, loved him...

Later, when David spent years hiding from King Saul, Saul married off Michal—still David's wife—to another man. Although many husbands would have left a wife who had agreed to such an arrangement, when David became King, he restored Michal as his queen.

They had a good relationship; and as already stated, the Bible records Michal loved David, and so we have that on record. To reiterate, it’s the only case recorded in the Bible of a woman's love toward a man. No doubt there were others, indeed probably all the wives loved their husbands but this is the only one we find recorded.

Yet, despite the intense love at the relationship's outset, David and Michal's marriage becomes one of the saddest in the Bible. And within a few years, this once-devoted couple became totally estranged.

SHARP TONGUES

David and Michal both suffered from the same character flaw—a sharp tongue, angry words which they refused to control when they got upset. Angry words can be extremely dangerous to a relationship. If you don’t think the tongue is a razor, follow this story.

The Bible describes the incident that triggered the end of their love. It was during a celebration when it took place. How ironic. David was supervising the return of the Ark of the Covenant to Jerusalem. The Philistines had captured the Ark many years earlier; now it was coming back to Jerusalem.

In an outburst of joy, David danced passionately, even wildly, in front of thousands of his subjects; and watching the whole scene from a palace window was the lovely and gracious queen, Michal. She was disgusted by the spectacle of a monarch carrying on with such reckless abandon. And so, when David returned to the palace, she had a couple of words for him.

II Samuel 6:14-15 says; - Then David danced before the Lord with all his might; and David was wearing a linen ephod. So David and all the house of Israel brought up the ark of the Lord with shouting and with the sound of the trumpet.

Verse 16 - Now as the ark of the Lord came into the City of David, Michal, Saul's daughter, looked through a window and saw King David leaping and whirling before the Lord; and she despised him in her heart.

Verses 17-19 - So they brought the ark of the Lord, and set it in its place in the midst of the tabernacle that David had erected for it. Then David offered burnt offerings and peace offerings before the Lord. And when David had finished offering burnt offerings and peace offerings, he blessed the people in the name of the Lord of hosts. Then he distributed among all the people, among the whole multitude of Israel, both the women and the men, to everyone a loaf of bread, a piece of meat, and a cake of raisins. So all the people departed, everyone to his house.

And now, here's verse 20 - Then David returned to bless his household. And Michal the daughter of Saul came out to meet David, and said, "How glorious was the king of Israel today, uncovering himself today in the eyes of the maids of his servants, as one of the base fellows shamelessly uncovers himself!"

Now, were Michal's withering remarks justified? May be. Had David truly acted in a manner that diminished the dignity of his office? Perhaps! But whether or not Michal was right, her tactless criticism of her husband on this great day in his life turned the dispute into a gale force fury. But Michal's attack on the king was only the first factor in the tragedy that ensued. In the face of his wife's scorn, David didn't remain silent, didn't walk away and cool off, or wait till the tension eased, or even try to defend his behavior. Instead, he responded with something completely out of left field that had nothing to do with the situation at all. He mustered the cruelest counterattack he could think of.

Verse 21 - So David said to Michal, "It was before the Lord, who chose me instead of your Dad and all his house, to appoint ME ruler over the people of the Lord, over Israel. Therefore I will play music whenever I feel like it!"

David's words in no way addressed the substance of Michal's critique; and as many of us do when we're criticized, we go straight for blood. "What's the worst thing I can think of to say right now?" Attacking the most painful event in Michal's life, which was God's rejection of her father, and then, of course, his subsequent death along with three of her brothers who also died at the hands of the Philistines.

And now, notice verse 23, the Bible records:

therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death.

Why is Michal's childlessness recorded at this point in the story? No doubt because after such a brutal exchange—and may be there were even others that are not recorded—Michal and David were never again intimate.

The Bible's point is as clear today as it was in 1,000 B.C; if a husband or a wife or two siblings or two friends do not restrain their words when they’re angry, love may not survive, no matter how deeply the two people cared for one another beforehand. The ability to control what we say when we're angry is a prerequisite for a lasting relationship. Oh, the danger of angry words.
Here's a rule that is good to keep in mind and maybe something that would have helped King David and his queen do better in this regard, and that is:

Limit the expression of your anger to the incident that provoked it. Don't come out of left field with something completely off the subject that you know will hurt. Limit the expression of your anger to the incident that's being discussed.

After many years of marriage, my wife and I know exactly where each others “buttons” are. Every spouse has this bit of info right at their fingertips. If you and I want our marriages to be “hell on a soda cracker,” that’s easy; all we have to do is get up in the morning and start pushing each other’s buttons. Are you a button pusher? We all can be, but we’d better take a lesson from David and Michael.

What David did wrong was to attack Michal at her point of greatest vulnerability. He went for her juggler. His words were designed and calculated to humiliate and devastate her. To bring another person's vulnerability into an argument is wrong. So limit your concerns to the incident that caused you to get upset.

Had David and Michal abided by this rule, they may have fought about the issue that provoked their anger, but maybe their relationship would have stayed intact. God Himself is slow to anger, something that we can all learn from.

BEING RELIGIOUS ISN’T THE ANSWER

In the story of the Good Samaritan, Jesus pointed out that being religious is no guarantee of being tenderhearted. The priest and the Levite passed the injured traveler on the other side of the road because they didn’t want to get involved. But a Samaritan gave assistance because he had a tender heart.

If we want to be like Jesus, we need to learn to be kind and tenderhearted. To be frank, a rude Christian is a contradiction in terms. Please read that last line again.

Hard-hearted Christians can do a great deal of damage. We often kid people that we shouldn’t kid, and when they get hurt we say, “Can’t you take a joke?” We don’t listen to people very well. We’re quick to speak, to judge, to criticize. We’re short on sympathy, tears, and patience. We view tenderhearted folk as emotional weaklings. But deep down inside we know it’s not right. We’re too cold and calloused. If we’re honest we’ll admit there are times when we don’t like ourselves very much.

THE LAW OF KINDNESS

In speaking of the virtuous woman, Prov. 31:26 says –

She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness.

The word for "law" is torah, the same word that’s used for "law" in the Bible. The torah of kindness. And the word for "kindness" is a word that’s generally used to mean "mercy." It’s translated over 240 times in the Old Testament as "mercy." But it’s also translated "kindness," and "loving kindness."

Is the law of kindness in our tongue? Is the law of kindness in our behavior? Is the law of kindness in our life? Because if God says it’s a law of kindness, then we need to be obeying that law. We need to be practicing that rule, that prescription, that instruction, that order from God. Are you? Am I?

So what is kindness? "Kindness," according to the dictionary, means "sympathetic." A person who is kind is "sympathetic, he’s "gentle, friendly, tender-hearted, and generous." Those are the expressions and definitions given. Kindness implies "the possession of a sympathetic or generous quality, either habitually or specifically, as applied to actions."

Kindness is a godly characteristic that needs to be growing on our trees. "Am I a kind person?" Is kindness demonstrated in our life? Is kindness demonstrated in how we speak? Is kindness demonstrated in how we conduct ourselves? Is kindness expressed in our general overall manner of life?

In Psalm 31 and verse 21, we read:

Blessed be the Lord, for He has shown me His marvelous kindness.

How can we be more tenderhearted? What practical steps can you and I take to relate to people in a more tender, kind fashion? As I see it, there are three steps we can take:

1. SEE WITH GOD’S EYES

How many of us view others in this manner: “Wow! There goes a custom-designed creation of Almighty God. He has God’s image stamped on him. He is the object of God’s greatest affection. Jesus shed His blood for him. The Holy Spirit is seeking him out night and day in order to bring him into a right relationship with God. He really matters to God.”For most of us, people are “like trees, walking.” We need to see them as God sees them.

Hard-hearted folk tend to divide the world into two classes: winners and losers, survivors and basket cases, sharp and dull, important and unimportant. But here is how God views humanity: potential saints, a treasure, and VIP’s. He sees all people that way. He loves prisoners and bag ladies as much as preachers and missionaries. There aren’t any “nobodies” in God’s sight. God’s treasures should be treated tenderly.

Look at the contrast in Mark three between Jesus and the Pharisees;

And when he had looked round about on them with anger, being grieved for the hardness of their hearts, he saith unto the man, Stretch forth thine hand. And he stretched it out: and his hand was restored whole as the other.

And the Pharisees went forth, and straightway took counsel with the Herodians against him, how they might destroy him. - Mark 3:5-6

Psychologists tell us that we get our self worth from looking through the eyes of the person that we most love and most value. And if that person that we love and value highly loves us, then our worth begins to grow. And if he or she doesn’t, then our worth begins to diminish.

Look at yourself not from what your background is, not from who your parents are, not from the things you’ve done in your past, good or bad, look at yourself through the eyes of God, who loved us so much that he sent his only son Jesus Christ into the world to redeem us all.

2. FEEL WITH GOD’S HEART

Another way to put this is to say that we must make ourselves walk a mile in the other person’s moccasins. Tenderhearted people have a natural ability to empathize with others, to feel what they are feeling. But hard-hearted people by contrast, can look at people who are hurting and say, “I wonder what their problem is?”

A 15-year-old boy who lay bleeding from a head wound just steps away from a hospital could not be rescued -- because rules required that ambulances bring in patients. Frustrated police officers finally carried the fatally wounded boy into the Hospital, but he died a short time later.
Witnesses at the scene said hospital emergency workers refused to come to the boy despite pleas, quoting hospital rules. A hospital spokeswoman simply stated that emergency room personnel were barred from dispensing care outside the hospital. When rules and regulations get in the way of commonsense compassion, it’s a sign that hearts have become hardened.
Hard-hearted people need to ask some hard questions. They need to ask themselves, “How would it feel to be handicapped, unemployed, widowed, or terminally ill?” They need to mentally get into the skin of those who are in need.

3. TREATING PEOPLE AS CHRIST TREATS US

No believer should ever doubt God’s affection. Listen to Isaiah 43:4: “You are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you.”

Psalm 103:13 says: “As a father pities his children, so the Lord pities those who fear Him.”

If God doesn’t want His children wondering whether or not they’re loved, should we not see to it that others know the same? Why not express your affection regularly so that your family, friends, and co-workers know how you feel about them?If you’re one of those individuals that find it difficult to be tender-hearted, ask God to help you change inwardly—to give you a heart of flesh that beats with loving concern for others. Stop blaming your parents and your temperament.

What would happen if hard-hearted people began to see people as they are in God’s eyes? Harry Hardguy would have to change his name to Tom Tender-heart.

Thank God for people who are naturally tender-hearted. Without them our lives would be miserable. Thank Him also that we can all grow in tenderness---even those of us who are naturally hard.


Try a little tenderness!


Blessings,



John